Below were the responses from adoptees in closed and open adoption, as well as domestic and international adoption on why they hate adoption:
1. It causes insanity in the adoptee. It causes traumatic separation anxiety at birth, which affects the entire nervous system. Next, it develops into a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And because it takes so long for an adoptee to realize the true causes of their anxiety and depression…Nancy Verrier (author of Primal Wound) says that adoptees she works with come to realize this at 30 years of age by then it’s almost too late.
2. All the lies and secrets
3. Because I am forever treated like a child in the eyes of the law.
4. Because people repeatedly feel that is it okay to invalidate my experiences because they know someone else that is adopted.
5. Because I am treated like a criminal for wanting the truth about my origins.
6. Because people feel that raising a child means owning a child.
7. Because it took me 23 years to come out of Stockholm Syndrome.
8. It robbed me of knowing my sisters.
9. I could not do a biological genealogy until I was 63 years old.
10. It is a convenient way for those that have a position of control to be deceptive for their personal gain.
11. I am my birth mom’s dirty little secret.
12. Shame, grief, and health problems.
13. I had to waste 40 years of my life searching for my biological mother and father.
14. Because it is me against the world. The pain never goes away.
15. It’s not fair rather seriously; the pain never goes away.
16. It’s traumatic.
17. It left me with a hole inside and searching for faces in crowds.
18. Money is the primary goal of adoption, not the best interest of the child.
19. Because I don’t trust people or allow them to love me.
20. Trauma from adoption made me lose my brother.
21. Lies and secrets.
22. I was neglected by the family that adopted me.
23. It is all about the money. How could you put a price on a child?
24. Closed adoption forces you to live a life full of secrecy and lies. After finding my birth mother, I discovered that some of the things I was told were lies. She isn’t college educated or made honors in high school. She was a high school drop out with little education.
25. Agencies lie about the birth family to make the sale item, the adoptee, look better.
26. You don’t always bond with your adoptive family.
27. Adoption has no guarantee that the family that adopts you will be better, sometimes just different.
28. Lies, secrecy, hurt.
29. I dislike not knowing who I am my whole life.
30. One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is just isn’t the same…regardless how much I am loved or love; even in a room of others “like me”; even after finding getting to know, and like/loving family of origin …always the other…making piece is a daily chore.
31. My siblings never accepted me. They made me feel like an outcast.
32. The way people will stare in the store because I did not look like my family.
33. As an adoption social worker, I hate adoption because it is not the solution it is portrayed to be. It is not perfect. The social workers, the lawyers, the judges, and the families are not perfect. The child’s well-being in the adoptive home is not guaranteed. It does not understand time. The time the child had with their first family, and as their first self, is erased; the time they spend with their adoptive family is unclear, and the time they have lost is gone forever.
34. I hate adoption because it makes the child a $$$ sign.
35. I hate adoption because it is unfair. I did not have a say in my adoption. I did not understand my adoption. My childhood, my adolescence, my young adulthood, everything about my life is the way it is BECAUSE I was adopted.
36. My fate was controlled by circumstances before I was born and the decision made by people who did not know me.
37. I hate adoption because it prohibits me from having answers.
38. It deprives me of my full identity.
39. It conceals the truth.
40. It leaves me forever unsettled, forever wondering “what-if,” and forever feeling incomplete.
41. Each step of the way causes joy and happiness and also a pain. The termination of parental rights, the finalization of the adoption, the search for the biological family, the finding or inability to find, the reunion, and the future. Each step hurts someone and makes someone unhappy.
42. I hate adoption because it is bittersweet.
43. The most hurt and pain I have experienced in my 37 years of life have to do with being adopted and my adoption journey. I dislike adoption because my right to know my background and who I am was just taken from me. A lifetime of not knowing who I was, or where I came from caused me an enormous amount of pain over the years. Just now at 37 years old I can begin to start to know myself because my puzzle is finally complete.
44. What about the adoptees that never find their biological family? With closed adoptions, I think things are so different than they are with open/semi-open adoptions.
45. I acted out as a teenager something horrible because I was in so much pain and had no one to talk too. I never had a sense of who I was, and I was never going too until I found my roots.
46. I began my search at 21 when my adopted parents told me they knew my birth mothers name. I fantasized my whole life about my birth mother and had high hopes that she would be searching for me like I was her. It has caused me heart wrenching pain since I found her because she rejected me to the fullest. I was not prepared for this or the feelings to go along with it.
47. I realize that many birth mothers might not understand, and maybe even some other adoptee’s but I wish I was never adopted. If there was anything I could change about my life, that would be it.
48. I dislike adoption. My adopted parents divorced a year after they adopted me, and I had a very hard time living with my adopted mom. We never got along and still don’t. A step brother molested me as a child, and I grew up angry.
49. My feelings are never validated. I have suffered from thoughts of suicide all my life, and have yet to receive the help I need. I cannot afford to see a therapist. Hearing adoptive parents tear me down because I express how adoption has hurt me triggers my trauma and thoughts of suicide.
50. No one taught me how to love two families. I am always worried that I am loving one more than the other and it causes me great grief. I don’t know how to love my birth family. They are strangers to me, but deep down inside I feel like I should love them, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to hurt my adoptive parents. It is all complicated.
The purpose of the post was not created or written in a negative manner. It was designed for educational purposes.
**Update: the list started as 10 and has been updated over time as adoptees have discovered this post. This piece has been helpful in validating adoptees experiences and narratives as well as helping adoptive parents better understand their adopted child. Unfortunately, this post has also garnered a great deal of hate from adoptive parents and those that are not affected by adoption personally but think that adoption can only be a beautiful experience and a blessing. This piece is proof that there is work to be done in adoption land and adoption trauma does exist.
I highly recommend that all adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoption professionals read The Primal Wound, coined the “Adoptee Bible”to better understand adoption trauma.
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