I asked adoptees to remain anonymous about what they wish they could say to their adoptive parents. Below are 15 comments that I pulled from the list that I believe adoptive parents should be aware of:
1. Don’t shame or spank me for not telling the truth and being honest when you have continuously been lying to me about my adoption and information for decades.
2. I wish you would have been with me through the whole adoption-reunion process; it made it a lot more difficult having to keep my “two lives” separate after reunion with my adoptive side and biological side. I wish I could’ve seen them all connect. They were still great parents, and I think they thought, especially my father that he was trying to protect me not realizing how much it could have helped me. Rest in Peace Mama 9/23/08 Papa 3/17/08
3. They should have been more forthcoming with information about my adoption. Getting “my papers” at age 36 was crap. They should have openly talked about my mom and dad, “what do you think she’s like”? “I wonder if you look like him”?
4. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about my adoption. That one time was not enough.
5. Be honest and open, and no “special, chosen, gotcha” crap.
6. You have always thought I was happy about being adopted. You never saw my pain. You made it all about you that you forgot about me.
7. Keeping my status as an adoptee a secret was so hard for me. You made me feel ashamed and embarrassed.
8. Don’t shut down when I ask questions about my adoption as if I am dishonoring you by wanting to know who my mother is.
9. Don’t think you can make my real family disappear like they do not even exist. They are a part of me as much as you are a part of me.
10. Don’t think that because you brought me to America you gave me “a better life”.
11. I am not the cure to your infertility and marriage issues.
12. You robbed me of my culture by removing me from my country.
13. Be real and do not lie to me about my adoption. I deserve to know who I am, where I come from, and my birth family. You are only hurting my relationship with you by lying.
14. You cannot be mad because I did not end up as you anticipated. I have my own genetics and bloodline. Bestowing your ideas on me can only go so far.
15. You should have a talked with your biological children before bringing an “Outsider” into the family. It does not help when your biological children don’t accept me or think I am supposed to bow down to you because you “saved” me.
What would you say to your adoptive parents? Please post your answers in the comment box.
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