Every adoptee at some point wants and needs answers about his or her birth mother and family. They want a connection, answers, peace, and love. What do you when you have been rejection and lied to by your birth family?
Why didn’t you fight to keep me?
Please don’t tell me you love me then abruptly stop speaking to me.
Every time a family member rejects me another suicidal thought crosses my mind.
Although I look like I have my life together, I’m always hurting on the inside.
Being around you only makes me feel sad over the time I lost.
Please don’t make excuses for my birthmother’s actions.
Please don’t lie for my birthmother.
Please validate my feelings.
I am afraid to get close to you.
Please don’t compare my adoption experience to something in your life.
I hate being someone’s dirty, little secret.
Adoption causes so many lies that I can no longer tell who is telling me the truth.
I deserve the truth.
Some nights I think about you and cry myself to sleep.
What am I supposed to tell my children about you?
Any opportunity I had to be someone’s sister, aunt, niece, or cousin was taken from me.
Please don’t pretend like anything happened.
Make an effort to have a relationship with me.
Nothing you say will change anything.
I will never be a complete part of your family again.
Please don’t end an apology with an excuse.
I need to know you won’t leave me again.
Adoption is a lifelong trauma.
I was born December 21, 1981, as Sybil Marie Ezeff, yet that isn’t the name on my birth certificate. I haven’t even seen the real one. People should know the family name I once held. As many things as I want to tell my adoptive parents, I discovered there are even more things I want to tell my birth family.What do you want your birth family to know?
V. Marie I am a reunited adoptee from Louisiana. I earned my B.A. in sociology from The University of New Orleans in 2005. My experience through adoption lead me to earn my M.A. in Community Counseling from Webster University in 2013.
I was adopted at six weeks old. My adoptive parents love me very much, but they weren’t ready to deal with the challenges that came with an adopted child. They supported me my entire life, but they could not heal my pain. As I grew up, I began to see even more differences between my adoptive family and myself. I longed to know where I fit belonged. Around the year 2005, I began actively searching. I had doors slammed in my face and others who told me to give up and be grateful for what I had. I found my birthmother around 2012, and it was hardly the heartfelt reunion I had hoped for. However, I will not let that stop me from seeking the truth and searching for my birthfather and my brother. I have to be strong and keep going. The fact is that I was an unwanted baby. My birthmother made a conscience decision not to be a mother to her children. My birth family will never understand what I have gone through emotionally as an adopted person. I am still treated like an outsider by many of them. I have been fortunate to be welcomed by a handful of cousins. And although they have good intentions, they will never understand my loss and the pain I feel when I’m around them. I believe that adoption can a beautiful thing, but we have to remember that it doesn’t without loss. What I yearn for most is to have a family of my own.
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This article is sad ! I am scared. I am sad as a girl whom became a birth mother at only the age of 14. I didn't have a choice, my dad made all the decisions for me, I didn't have a voice in any of the decisions of my first baby being placed to adoption. I was sent away to a state I had never been to & with adults, DR's, nurses, social workers, lawyer etc that I had never met….they made all the decisions for me I felt as if I was just an incubator & just went through the motions. I felt both empty inside but also so full of this beautiful life growing in my tummy, I loved my baby & I still love her….if she chooses to know me I would not reject her, if she chooses to not know me I will be so sad………but I will never stop loving her, not ever! (my birth daughter is now 35, I have not seen her since she was newborn, but just 6 weeks ago I sent her a letter & now I am waiting, my letter was read but no reply yet). For now I will wait, for now I will pray, I know God is involved He always was, babies are Heaven sent, I won't give up faith, for now I am sad but hopeful! I know God is preparing my heart & the hearts of everyone involved, my family & hers….God is always Good! Things will go as part of God's plan……God will never leave me even if I can't say it….but God knows & I trust Him!
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I sincerely hope your daughter will reply to your letter. All I can tell you is to be as open and honest as you can be with her. She will appreciate that. My birthmother lied to me about a lot of things from the moment I began communication with her. I deserve the truth even if it is painful. Adoption is already consumed with so many lies. Don't give up the faith.
All the best,
Dear Adoptee, What do you do when an adoptee rejects you repeatedly and yet will not leave you or your life alone? What do you do when they throw things at you as if you could have changed things and yet they know you couldn't have? What do you do when you have to explain to family members, especially children, that the adoptee is part of the family but they don't want anything to do with you because you aren't good enough? rich enough? humble enough?
This works both ways – love, respect, and understanding that are mutual are the only cure.
Thank you for reading my post. I am sorry things did not work out with your daughter. I am sorry cannot understand things from a birthmother's perspective, but I do understand your daughter's pain and anger. I have had birthfamily member tell me they love me only to stop talking to me or returning my phone calls, letters, or e-mails. It is like salt being poured on an open wound. Because of this, I am even hesitant to have a relationship with the few that do want me in their life. I am afraid of getting hurt again. I wrote this post based on the title of Sherrie Eldridge's book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." These are the things I wish my birthfamily knew. I really hope that one day you will be able to have a relationship with your daughter. I would do anything to have a birthmother who wanted me in her life.
Thank you for sharing. I am a father who lost his daughter for 27 years, I am two years into knowing her. My heart has been so broken all these many years, and the pain and loss continue to rack up. I am so angry adoption occurred, so unnecessary in my view. I am further horrified by the mindset of adopters and their entitlement views. These things aside, I am making every effort to having a relationship with my daughter. A part of me will not accept she will not feel like her intended right to be feel whole in this family. I am having to hear this time and again, because it just overwhelms me that was taken from us, and her perspective is not my own. It is so hard that she has a sister so close in age, a son identical in age, and a gulf that exists partly because I tried to hard too bridge it. I will never leave her again…….but I think its not me she needs as much as it is her mother……..my loss for her mother has and still does over takes me with a deep sadness. I drive often by where she lives now knowing where as I pilgrimage to make connection to my daughter and my sadness is acute that she is not with us, me, more importantly so little time spent she with her. So much control that is not mine, that I can not influence directly. I fear tripping feelings for all involved, I am having to find a balance, and validating my daughter's feelings means I need to first recognize them, overcome my own, find my voice.
She does not share with me that she cries at night, I most certainly do, my constant companion, my thoughts turned to her. Thank you for helping me see more clearly still, simply what she may be going through as her feelings may indeed more like yours. I want her to be close to me, knowing this requires her to be brave is important to keep in mind.
Again, I will not leave her. My heart breaks, adoption is a life long trauma, I have known this all along, for me and what this means to her is the sad work I will not shirk from, though I may misstep, I love her so.
Thank you for reading my post and for sharing your story. It's not often that I see a birthfather speak up, and I wish more would do so. It sounds like you are really trying to be understanding of your daughter's situation. Thank you for validating her feelings. I'm sure it certainly is not easy for you to hear about what we adoptees go through. I can't imagine how you feel as a father missing all those years of watching her grow up. I hope that one day you will have a relationship her.
I agree this article is sad. What should the birth mother have done?? Kept a child she honestly couldn't or wouldn't care for-and possibly abuse? What if an open adoption is something she originally wanted and then just could not do? I have friends who have adopted, with an open agreement and the mother just quit contact. One wrote and said it was just too much emotionally for her. She had mental illness. The adopting parents are now angry the birth mother reneged on her promise for the child's sake. What should they do? Take her court for breaching the contract?
Should pregnant women simply have an early abortion and go about their lives? I see many problems with adoption-but no one is giving answers. I deal with parents who want to adopt everyday.
Should I tell them not to do it because its too traumatic for a child to be a part of a family they aren't biologically related to? I also know kids who wish they had been adopted because their biological family was so horribly abusive.
All I am reading is how horrible it was to be adopted. Some kids are mad because their parents had little means to support them, but they kept them, and raised them as best they could. They feel their lives would have been better if their parents had more materially or had been more mature. If adoption is that bad, what IS the answer?
Thank you for reading my post. I wrote it based off the title of Sherrie Eldridge's book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." I have reunited with most of my birthmother's family, and these are things I wish they knew. As sad as it is for people to read, it is even harder to live. Adoption is too often glamourized by television or the adoption industry. I never said being adopted is horrible, but people NEED to realize the separation of the mother and all blood ties at birth is traumatic for an infant. It is a loss we feel our entire lives. It is a loss that will be felt by our children and other generations after that. Adoption is the "gift" that keeps on giving. It affects our past, present, and future. This is what adoption agencies don't tell birthmothers or adoptive parents. The education is not there. The support is not there. Adoption is a business that preys on the less fortunate. Adoption separates families. Family preservation should be sought out before adoption is even considered. I had 9 aunts and uncles and no one contacted them nor my birthfather and his family. Adoption agencies try to convince people that if they are single or struggling financially they should not parent their children. Do you know how many adoptive parents have gotten divorced or lost their jobs? It happens all the time. There are only 2 things I can guarantee to you: 1. Adoption is a permanent solution to what is most of the time a temporary problem and 2. Adoption does not always guarantee a better life. Sometimes it's just a different life. You have to really know my story to understand a bit more. Most of us adoptees would agree that adoption is not about the child. As a matter of fact, the child is the only one that does not have a voice. It is not until we are older and have the strength to do so that we are able to tell our stories. The best answer I can give you is to learn from my story and others like me. All I can do is share my experience in hopes that one day my voice will account for something and future adoptees will not have to suffer like myself or others that are from the closed adoption era.
All the best,
This is so true.Adoption agencies are just preying on the weak to adopt those kids.I'm adopted ,and my life with my adoptive parents were okay. they used to argue alot. when they divorced .i hate tosay this i was so happy. then in The year of 2013 ; i decided to search for mybiological parents. my adoptive parents were like"Why you searching for them; they didn't want you in the first place.