It is no easy feat for adoptees to contact their birth mom. After all, adoptees spend upward ten if not more years searching for their birth mother or family. Year after year of searching, the feelings of fear and anxiety build up causing adoptees to be apprehensive about meeting their birth mother fearing rejection, an adverse outcome, or an unexpected result. It is daunting. Reunions can potentially change an adoptee’s life forever. No, it will change an adoptee’s life forever. But it should never be the reason that keeps an adoptee from contacting his or her birth mom.
If you are an adoptee contemplating contacting your birth mother, don’t let fear or anxiety overwhelm you. Take your time. Step-by-step. Prepare as needed. Gather a team of people that will encourage you, support you, and be there to give you a hug as necessary or an ear to listen. This is critical. You can do this! I am cheering for you.
Below I have listed five methods you can use to contact your birth mother including a sprinkle of encouragement to keep you going.
Contact your birth mom via snail mail or email
According to the majority of birth mothers, snail mail and email are said to be the best way to communicate with a birth mother to allow her to process the news and perhaps tell her significant other or other children she may have had.
Writing is an excellent way to release. It is also an excellent way to be sure that everything that needs to be said is said. You can begin by brainstorming. Go back to your childhood when you began to think about your birth mom, put those thoughts down. All those questions you said you would ask if you ever met her, put those thoughts down. The joy or pain that you have felt over the years put those thoughts down. Major life events that your birth mother missed put those thoughts down. Whatever comes to your mind, put those thoughts down.
If you want to make face-to-face contact, let her know. Let your birth mom know exactly what you want from her through this letter. Are you looking for a response? Are you looking to meet up? Are you looking to take the next step by making a phone call or video call? Let her know.
Writing a letter is the best way to get it all out.
Pick up your pen and write.
It is okay. Don’t be scared.
Contact your birth mom by phone
There is something about hearing a person’s voice. A sound, a word you have been longing to hear. The sound. Wondering if it sounds anything like yours. Contacting your birth mother by phone does take a bit of fearlessness, but it is entirely worth it. I know you can do it. That voice connection is deep. It takes connecting to a new level!
Make a list of all the things you want to talk about, so you don’t miss a thing. After waiting for this moment for what seems like forever, we can quickly get caught up in our emotions and forget to ask all that we want to ask.
Get it down in your notebook.
Write. Write. Write.
You have the right to ask questions.
Contact your birth mom by way of someone you trust or has experience with adoption reunions
Okay. Maybe you aren’t ready to write a letter or email, and calling is just out of the question. But you want to make contact. I get it. It is easy to fear the possibility of rejection. In this case, it is best to have someone make the introduction for you.
Have someone that knows you well or has experience with adoption reunions that you trust to make the initial contact for you. A mentor. A pastor. A teacher. Find someone that is slow to speak and good at listening.
Get your fearless gear on and be there when this person makes the call for you.
Don’t think negatively. Your birth mom is probably just as scared as you are.
Take your time and push through the fear.
Contact your birth mom face-to-face
According to birth moms, this would be the preferred last resort because it does not give them enough time to process or to prepare to tell her live-in family (significant other and children living in the home) the news. Also, there are birth mothers that have endured lots of trauma from being coerced to place or having their children stolen from them. They need time to process.
Most birth mothers want to be found and want to be reunited. This opportunity, this move of fearlessness can be one of the most special moments in your life as well as your birth mother.
What is most important when embarking on the journey of reuniting is that you enter reunion with little to no expectation. Let it flow naturally. Remember, everyone has a story. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees of a positive outcome, however, know that more birthmothers are waiting to reunite with their child than adoptees or society thinks.
There are many reasons birth mothers made the decision to place their child for adoption and some were even forced whether it be by their family, adoption agencies, or society. Rarely does a birth mother place her child for adoption because she wants nothing to do with her child.
She could be waiting for you right now to send that letter, make that call, or run into her arms. I hope you can find the strength and courage to reach out.
Be fearless. You can do it.