Every day over at I Am Adopted I read about the experiences and narratives of adoptees, and the overall conclusion I have made is that adoption is about birth parents and adoptive parents. When will we be real about it and admit that?
Now and then, adoption is about the child, and you will come across good-hearted adoptive parents that genuinely adopt because they see the need and want to make a difference in a child’s life, not because they desire to have a child of their own and expand their family. There is a difference. The attitudes that follow post adoption between the two differ.
If adoption was about the child as birth mothers, adoptive parents, adoption professionals and agencies make it seem; this is what it would look like:
- All adoptions would be an open adoption.
- Adoptees would be allowed to have consistent contact with their birth family (if it is safe) without adoptive parents being fearful of being replaced.
- Adoptees would have their original birth certificate.
- Birth mothers would not deny contact (that is what I call selfish not selfless)
- Adoptive parents would stop getting so emotional and make it about them when their child wants to search for his or her birth family.
- Adoptee narratives and experiences would be validated. (You know how there are some adoptive parents don’t want to hear or believe the negative aspects “dark side” of adoption. Instead, adoptees get scolded, blocked, banned, deleted, etc.).
- Adoptees wouldn’t be labeled “angry” or “bitter”; instead, adoptive parents and birth parents would recognize that an adoptee has experienced a form of trauma and loss and had every right to feel the way they do.
- There wouldn’t be any lies told or secrets hidden from the adopted child.
- Adoptees wouldn’t be forced to feel grateful for being adopted.
- There wouldn’t be an exorbitant amount of money exchanged between adoption agencies and adoptive parents. (When will birth mothers and prospective adoptive parents learn that they are being duped by the multi-billion dollar adoption industry). You can change that by demanding lower to no-cost adoption. Adoptive parents hold the power in adoption land.
- We would understand that race matters! We will stop having the mindset that love conquers all, and we are all the same in God’s eyes attitudes. If you are going to adopted transracially be prepared and don’t make excuses for not being able to move or how far you must travel to the nearest city that is more diverse after choosing to spend thousands of dollars on your adoption. Put it in the budget.
- You would help adoptees find their birth family and demand that legislation changes to provide adoptees with their original birth certificates.
Ask yourself right now, “who is adoption about?” Sometimes adoptive parents and birth parents need to do a self-check on this. If you are an adoptive parent or birth parent and you realize that you have made adoption about you and not your child, I pray that you change your heart at this moment and put your child first by thinking about everything on this list and any other thing that nudges your heart.
Adoptees: What does making adoption about you look like?
Adoptive parents and birth parents: How do you measure up on this list I outlined?
Big hugs from my house to yours. Thanks for reading xo
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