10 Things I Hate About Adoption
Below were the responses from adoptees in closed and open adoption, as well as domestic and international adoption on why they hate adoption:
1. It causes insanity in the adoptee. It causes traumatic separation anxiety at birth, which affects the entire nervous system. Next, it develops into a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And because it takes so long for an adoptee to realize the true causes of their anxiety and depression…Nancy Verrier (author of Primal Wound) says that adoptees she works with come to realize this at 30 years of age by then it’s almost too late.
2. All the lies and secrets
3. Because I am forever treated like a child in the eyes of the law.
4. Because people repeatedly feel that is it okay to invalidate my experiences because they know someone else that is adopted.
5. Because I am treated like a criminal for wanting the truth about my origins.
6. Because people feel that raising a child means owning a child.
7. Because it took me 23 years to come out of Stockholm Syndrome.
8. It robbed me of knowing my sisters.
9. I could not do a biological genealogy until I was 63 years old.
10. It is a convenient way for those that have a position of control to be deceptive for their personal gain.
11. I am my birth mom’s dirty little secret.
12. Shame, grief, and health problems.
13. I had to waste 40 years of my life searching for my biological mother and father.
14. Because it is me against the world. The pain never goes away.
15. It’s not fair rather seriously; the pain never goes away.
16. It’s traumatic.
17. It left me with a hole inside and searching for faces in crowds.
18. Money is the primary goal of adoption, not the best interest of the child.
19. Because I don’t trust people or allow them to love me.
20. Trauma from adoption made me lose my brother.
21. Lies and secrets.
22. I was neglected by the family that adopted me.
23. It is all about the money. How could you put a price on a child?
24. Closed adoption forces you to live a life full of secrecy and lies. After finding my birth mother, I discovered that some of the things I was told were lies. She isn’t college educated or made honors in high school. She was a high school drop out with little education.
25. Agencies lie about the birth family to make the sale item, the adoptee, look better.
26. You don’t always bond with your adoptive family.
27. Adoption has no guarantee that the family that adopts you will be better, sometimes just different.
28. Lies, secrecy, hurt.
29. I dislike not knowing who I am my whole life.
30. One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is just isn’t the same…regardless how much I am loved or love; even in a room of others “like me”; even after finding getting to know, and like/loving family of origin …always the other…making piece is a daily chore.
31. My siblings never accepted me. They made me feel like an outcast.
32. The way people will stare in the store because I did not look like my family.
33. As an adoption social worker, I hate adoption because it is not the solution it is portrayed to be. It is not perfect. The social workers, the lawyers, the judges, and the families are not perfect. The child’s well-being in the adoptive home is not guaranteed. It does not understand time. The time the child had with their first family, and as their first self, is erased; the time they spend with their adoptive family is unclear, and the time they have lost is gone forever.
34. I hate adoption because it makes the child a $$$ sign.
35. I hate adoption because it is unfair. I did not have a say in my adoption. I did not understand my adoption. My childhood, my adolescence, my young adulthood, everything about my life is the way it is BECAUSE I was adopted.
36. My fate was controlled by circumstances before I was born and the decision made by people who did not know me.
37. I hate adoption because it prohibits me from having answers.
38. It deprives me of my full identity.
39. It conceals the truth.
40. It leaves me forever unsettled, forever wondering “what-if,” and forever feeling incomplete.
41. Each step of the way causes joy and happiness and also a pain. The termination of parental rights, the finalization of the adoption, the search for the biological family, the finding or inability to find, the reunion, and the future. Each step hurts someone and makes someone unhappy.
42. I hate adoption because it is bittersweet.
43. The most hurt and pain I have experienced in my 37 years of life have to do with being adopted and my adoption journey. I dislike adoption because my right to know my background and who I am was just taken from me. A lifetime of not knowing who I was, or where I came from caused me an enormous amount of pain over the years. Just now at 37 years old I can begin to start to know myself because my puzzle is finally complete.
44. What about the adoptees that never find their biological family? With closed adoptions, I think things are so different than they are with open/semi-open adoptions.
45. I acted out as a teenager something horrible because I was in so much pain and had no one to talk too. I never had a sense of who I was, and I was never going too until I found my roots.
46. I began my search at 21 when my adopted parents told me they knew my birth mothers name. I fantasized my whole life about my birth mother and had high hopes that she would be searching for me like I was her. It has caused me heart wrenching pain since I found her because she rejected me to the fullest. I was not prepared for this or the feelings to go along with it.
47. I realize that many birth mothers might not understand, and maybe even some other adoptee’s but I wish I was never adopted. If there was anything I could change about my life, that would be it.
48. I dislike adoption. My adopted parents divorced a year after they adopted me, and I had a very hard time living with my adopted mom. We never got along and still don’t. A step brother molested me as a child, and I grew up angry.
49. My feelings are never validated. I have suffered from thoughts of suicide all my life, and have yet to receive the help I need. I cannot afford to see a therapist. Hearing adoptive parents tear me down because I express how adoption has hurt me triggers my trauma and thoughts of suicide.
50. No one taught me how to love two families. I am always worried that I am loving one more than the other and it causes me great grief. I don’t know how to love my birth family. They are strangers to me, but deep down inside I feel like I should love them, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to hurt my adoptive parents. It is all complicated.
The purpose of the post was not created or written in a negative manner. It was designed for educational purposes.
**Update: the list started as 10 and has been updated over time as adoptees have discovered this post. This piece has been helpful in validating adoptees experiences and narratives as well as helping adoptive parents better understand their adopted child. Unfortunately, this post has also garnered a great deal of hate from adoptive parents and those that are not affected by adoption personally but think that adoption can only be a beautiful experience and a blessing. This piece is proof that there is work to be done in adoption land and adoption trauma does exist.
I highly recommend that all adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoption professionals read The Primal Wound, coined the “Adoptee Bible”to better understand adoption trauma.
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200 Comments
Thank you for posting this! It was very painful to hear as an adoptive parent, however the feelings, system and perceptions are very true. My goal with my organization is to change as many minds and perceptions as possible and to put the focus of adoption where it belongs…. the precious child. YOU!
Thank you for your support Karla and your amazing radio show Family By Design. As an adoptees and speaking for the adoptees we appreciate the fact that you give adoptees a voice. You allow us the platform to be heard, to be understood. You are on the right track! Bless it.
what i dont like about being adopted is it makes you feel like you dont exist, eveybody hates you ,nobody cares that you live like that and my adopted parents didnt want to spend money on me
What i hate about being adopted is that no one sees that your a person. Just an item. That can be moved and played with for months at a time
I hate being adopted because 5 bullies beat me up and called me a failed abortion
I hate being adopted because no one understands you and you can barely put your feelings into words
I am 27 years old, I still feel unwanted or misunderstood, by my biological parents, by my adopted parents, even my friends. The only time I feel accepted is with my girlfriend, or in general serious relationships; with them I occasionally feel unneeded, or unwanted.
I hate that I am supposed to feel guilty because I want to know who my biological parents are. My parents are/were wonderful, but I want to know my whole history…I am not a mistake!
I am an adoptee. the pain never goes away. I guess it will be there until I die. I was unwanted and my adoptive family were unloving and uneducated. Now I am all alone.
As an adoptee it has taken me 46yrs to find out who i am and where i come from.My birth father was a hungarian refugee and i even though i had fantastic adopted parents i lost the right to know about my paternal family and there country and culture.
I suffer from depression and anxiety.
Adoptees should be placed within a family that can fullfill all the rights of the child to know there birth culture.
I hate being adopted because it is hard to tell people about it and when i chose to do so people at school act like it's a bad thing and just don't accept me after that.
The family that adopted never treated me like one of their own, aside from an extremely abusive sexual child molester they would always buy me things because they thought they had to and made sure i knew it after wards,. I didn't realize what was going on until i was older, they neglected me much more than other parents like the child was one of their own. To be honest they treated me like shit and created this lie to others they are good people.
I have one sister who is also adopted and one brother and sister who are the so special kids of all and I am treated very badly and I don't know my birth mom and I hardly know my mom or dad I have now much at all b/c my mom only care about her birth kids and my dad only care about my brother drew who is the special most loved child of all, and my sister Kristen who has a disability and is adopted but I love school b/c I am away from my parents and the people at school are better than here. My mom said to me and !y adopted sister who has a disability "I have two Asian freaks in my house" while she threw me and my sister in the freezing cold outside with only our fuzzy Christmas PJs and no shoes for like half and hour while my dad did nothing. So I hope you guys have had a better life than me. Ps…I am 12 or 13 we don't celebrate adopted peoples birthday because our birth moms didn't want us on it so we aren't special. Plus this Is not my house it is my friends house where I'm writing this and I'm Korean same as my sister
Why I hate adoption? Adoption is a sham word for human trafficking. A morally upright society would clearly see the truth to this statement. ~Faith L.
Wow – what is your suggestion? Orphanages? Children's homes? Because unfortunately as long as there are people on this earth there will be orphans and those left without a family.
Do you understand what you're saying? I'm assuming from your words that your familiar mostly with American/first-world adoption. Overseas adoption is a totally different ballgame. Two of my sisters are adopted from China, and yeah, they are going to have some problems due to that, such as wondering about their birth mom, and feeling abandoned. But if we hadn't adopted them, they would have likely died. They were given up in a society that frowns upon disabled or special needs people (they both are special needs) as well as girls and multiple children in families. They were mistreated at their orphanages, because most orphanages there can't properly care for the children. One of my sisters' head was reshaped because they left her laying down so long. We love them, and we do our best to answer their questions and encourage curiosity about their origins. When they're ready, we'll take each of them on a heritage trip, and if they want to search for their birth parents, we're not going to stand in their way. Adoption is not inherently a bad thing, even if some people abuse it and mistreat adoptees.
As a person considering adoption as a means to start our family due to infertility issues, I am appalled by the negative comments toward adoptive parents. My dream has always been to be a mom. I am horrified at the comments that adoptees feel as though adoption is baby trafficking, a means to make money, that the adoptee has been ripped from their home and family, that I am satisfying my own needs. I think adoptees that post comments like these are angry because their own adoptive parents weren't what they were expecting or weren't good parents.? I can understand anger due to a sense of abandonment felt towards the birth family, but you can't categorize all adoptive parents with these horrible motives when my motive is simply to be a good mother. And why should I not look into other means of having a family if I can't have one of my own and it not be considered selfish. My goal in life is to be a parent not pregnant! I feel as though all children are gifts from God and whether they come from the inside of my body or someone else's body God placed them in my care and I will love and support that child until I die. Just really hurtful that adoptive parents are the one's stepping in to raise a child that is given up by the birth parents for whatever reason and we want to love and nurture and treat you as if you are our biological children but your hurt from the biological mother and father won't allow you to love the adoptive parents like biological parents. Biological parents are giving you up out of love and adoptive parents are receiving you into their hearts and families out of love. I see no hate or selfish behavior from this at all. Adoptive families should be given more credit! Again very sad to hear the negativity against adoptive parents in this post.
But adoption is not inherently a good thing – in fact I would say that it is more bad for the child than good. I say this because for adoption to happen, it means a great loss has occurred for the child. Sometimes this loss happens before adoption takes place and sometimes it happens because people wish to adopt – the latter is trafficking under another guise. Whether the children end up in a better place is sometimes down to the luck of the draw but please do not forget they have lost their roots, their family, their heritage etc. Being unwanted by your first family (and society) is heartbreaking; being taken from them unnecessarily is worse and then having a new society expect you to be grateful for what your adoptive parents did can stop people from grieving the real losses they may carry. Don't get me wrong, sometimes there is not better option, and there are many good loving people who adopt, but adoption should be the last resort, not the first port of call.
"Being unwanted by your first family"
You think they didn't want you? Did they tell you this personally, it are you assuming because they placed you for adoption. Maybe parents place children for adoption because they believe, right or wrong, it is the best option to give their child a chance at a decent life.
I was adopted at birth & while I believe that the birth trauma involved is intense, there are some times when it's necessary, I guess… the financial end is not pretty… but then a LOT of things are all about money, like the medical field, the medicines your doctor prescribes for you etc… I'm not saying that adoption is good or bad or that medicine is bad. Sometimes they are the best option and sometimes not.
I searched for and found my birth family in 1991 and I'm happy to know them. I have a good relationship with my sisters & occasionally speak to my brother & wish they lived closer. I've met all my sisters & birth mom & found out that my oldest sister thought about me & my other sister (younger) who was also given up.
I don't know the answer to adoption's problems, but I guess sometimes it is necessary. I don't know if it was in my case, I know I would have loved to grow up with my siblings: I grew up wanting siblings… for me, it's better late than never! 🙂
oops I had the year wrong, it was a few years later.
Anyway, I do wonder what you think should have been done instead of being given up for adoption? I suppose a relative could have taken you (thus keeping you in the family)… and it should be handled a lot differently with fewer secrets, etc., etc.. I don't know how it should be handled & I don't pretend to know all or any of the answers.
By the way, at the bottom of this screen is an ad for an adoption agency!! How messed up is that??
Hi Jessica, thank you so much for your comment and sharing your thoughts. I am saddened to hear that you too didnt have the chance to grown up with your biological siblings; however, I love your positive attitude. You now have the opportunity and are living up to it. It may be challenging, but you have proven that you are strong and this will help other adoptees that are about to be in reunion or that are searching.
Just to be clear, I do believe in adoption. I do not believe in closed adoption. To answer your question, every case is different. Some children without a doubt should be removed from the home and placed in state custody until case workers and judges come to a solution. However, in some cases I also believe that parents need to be responsible for their action and raise the child they gave birth to. Some claim that they are in school…or they are just starting in their career. There are many successful women around the world that got pregnant unplanned and they used their pregnancy and lack of resources to motivate them to be the best mother, the best student, the bust employee, and to run the best companies. No one said life was easy. The best thing that should always be done and said is THE TRUTH. Lies kills everyone and that is what happens in closed adoption.
"However, in some cases I also believe that parents need to be responsible for their action and raise the child they gave birth to. Some claim that they are in school…or they are just starting in their career. There are many successful women around the world that got pregnant unplanned and they used their pregnancy and lack of resources to motivate them to be the best mother, the best student, the bust employee, and to run the best companies. No one said life was easy. The best thing that should always be done and said is THE TRUTH. Lies kills everyone and that is what happens in closed adoption."
I think this is unfair. I'm a birthmother. I chose adoption for my unborn, very-much wanted daughter because her father raped and beat me halfway through my pregnancy. Could I have kept and raised my child as a single, 19 year old woman, afraid for our lives? Yes, of course. But I had no money, no family, no place to hide. And so I chose semi-open adoption. My daughter's adoptive parents agreed to a small amount of contact as a lie to get her and changed all their contact info after the adoption finalized. It's not my fault that the situation turned out that way, or that they may not tell her about me. I did everything I could to keep my child safe. Not every person is able to deal with their circumstances in the same way as others in similar circumstances and I can't say it feels good to be judged because another abused woman may have chosen to keep and raise her child while I didn't.
hmmm you sound like a person with too many issues to be a part of a child's life. Grow up.
and you took even fewer words to impress upon me what kind of person you are. what a troll.
NAME CALLING in a time of a crisis.You are a self centered person ,sounds like your the only person on this earth.No one will worship you and your non compassion.People like you make this world cold and uncaring.Carry around a mirror and keep telling you and yourself how wonderful you are and take this to God on JUDGEMENT DAY -YOU diffently get your chance No relys ugh !!!!
this is very powerful.. keep going.. write, advocate, appeal.. give voice to the voieless, the unheard. Amazing…. (from a former adoption attorney)
Thank you so much for your support! Would love to hear more from you in the future.
Your blogs, all of them, are very powerful.
As a BirthMom, your blogs have opened me to the world of Adpotee's in REAL LIFE. And i thank you for that more than you will ever know.
I will always give ALL of me effort to make sure my BirthSon never feels this way. Sadly im sure some of these feelings are unavoidable. But you have opened me up to more reality that others in my journey did not have the ability to share,
For all that, i thank you.
-Patty
(TeeGurl83 on Twitter)
Hello Patty,
Thanks so much for stopping by. I truly appreciate when birth mom's actively support adoptees. I am thankful to hear that you will do everything in your power to support your birth son. You are amazing!
I have someone in my family who was adopted. My brother and his wife never told my niece that she is adopted. They want her to think that she is their biological daughter. She is their only child, although my SIL has a daughter from her first marriage, but that is suppose to be a big secret also. My brother and SIL have had a lot of issues with my niece and problems when she was growing up. They are generally dishonest people and lie just about everything in their lives. They even moved out of state years before so their daughter would never find out. I don't get to see them, but my brother knows I would never reveal their secret. I would never betray my brother's confidence, nor would I do anything to upset my niece. Just the same, my niece seems to throw hints about adoption. She once told me and my daughter that she doesn't look like anyone in the family. Then there are times when she claims she has something very important and confidential to ask us, and it turns out to be nothing. I just think its a shame that my brother and SIL don't tell her. She seems to know something is not right. She is 32 and has 2 children from 2 different fathers. This poor girl seems so confused, but my lips are sealed. She is lonely and we don't have any relatives that we are close to. I just wonder if she has any sisters or brothers out there. It is a shame if she is missing out on any sibling connections, but there is nothing I can do because I don't want to be the cause of any family betrayal or pain to my niece. I do remember her birth mother crying when my mother came to pick the baby up for my brother and his wife. She told my mother to promise to tell her baby girl when she grew up, that she loves her with all her heart and didn't want to give her up, but that she had no choice and to please tell her that she will always be in her heart.
I am sorry that I overlooked this. I wish I would have read this earlier, and I hope you get this message…
What you have shared with me happens too often believe it or not. If it were up to my family they probably would not have told me that I was adopted. Matter of fact, due to the fact that I look nothing like them they had to tell me at some point. As young 8 years old I remember people asking me why I look so different from my family. It would begin to annoy me and I would then become hurt and insecure. When I first learned about adoption through a TV program called PBS, it was then that I began to think that I was without a doubt adopted. I can understand your nieces issues if that is in fact a trigger. In my opinion, she knows. She is most likely embarrassed and feeling shamed. At this point she begins to question all the "why"'s and feeling as if she is not good enough because she was given up. This is when relationships issues with the opposite sex occur. Who can she trust? I recently met my biological siblings, well a few of them anyways. It has helped me so much emotionally and with my emotions toward life because I now have a connection with someone. Your thoughts are real and what you have expressed to very valid. Someone needs to tell her. They need to tell her, especially if her biological mom asked for her little girl to know that she was loved. She needs to know that her mom was crying when she was placed. These things are important!!! I cannot tell you what to do; however, my advice is that you tell her or at least tell you brother to tell her. She deserves the truth. She deserves to know who she really is. We cannot simply make up people's family or act as if their biological family never existed. She has a family. She needs to know. I urge you to say something to your brother or SIL. My heart goes out to your niece. If I can help in any way from here please email me.
Thanks so much for sharing this with me.
Love,
Jessenia Arias
You are betraying family either way, by not telling your niece the truth you are betraying her. she already knows the truth. she sees the faces. She knows very deep inside herself that she is not related that she is adopted. You and the rest of your family are betraying her. and when she finds out (and she will I guarantee it) she will hate everyone who betrayed her.
deep down you know what I am saying is the truth….
tell her she already knows. how would you feel if you were placed for adoption and only found out after your mother was dead and that she loved you. how much would you hate your adoptive family? by not telling her you are betraying her and so is the rest of your family.
from Jessie
You are doing your niece a great dis-service. If you love and care about her happiness, you will tell her the truth and support her.
Stop thinking about yourself. Your brother will get over it! Or maybe he won't. Adoption is cruel. And now you have made yourself just another cruel "adoption helper". Stealing the life of a child, and their Mother. Shame on you. Tell Her!
One way this can be handled is to get upfront with your brother and tell him he is setting himself and his family up for unspeakable pain if the secret is allowed to continue.
Give him an ultimatum – a time limit for telling her – before you tell her. Offer to give him some print-outs of late-discovery-adoptee postings to help him understand how cruel he is being to her.
I was not told of my adoption until a family member let it slip. This was at 48 years of age and 2 years after the death of my adoptive mother. I always knew and actually asked but was told I was "crazy" to even think it. You do no justice to this niece to keep her in the dark. She already knows. I am very angry about not being told. It has completely knocked my foundation out from under me. BUT, I would much rather know than not know! Tell your niece and then get her help from a therapist that specializes in adoption loss! She is being denied her identity and her heritage…that which is at the very core of her soul. I know, because I am living it.
How do you sleep at night? Tell the woman who she is.
And so you want to be the savior for this child that you pity. What qualifies you to be a parent of any child let alone one with special needs? It is not about the child being worthy of you, but about you being worthy of the child.
Thanks so much for posting this list. It is a reminder to all adoptive parents (like me) that our experience, which is primarily one of joy, is very different from that of our children, evern when our kids do not appear to be in pain to us.
The pain is there, perhaps buried, perhaps right under the skin. But it is there.
Truly enjoy your blog. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Hello Margie,
Thanks so much for supporting and reading. I love to hear from adoptive parents. This particular blog topic is for every member of the adoption triad to raise awareness of our needs and how to listen and help.
I am happy to hear that you are understanding and aware of the pain that adoptees face that has nothing to do with the adoptive parents. We have many issues that we are left to deal with whether we speak of them or not.
Thank you again. I look forward to hearing your opinions and of your experience.
I am the wife of a man who was adopted. I have seen first hand what being adopted can affect someone. He is now 45 and suffers with anxiety. His adoptive mother got pregnant and married at a very young age..but unfortunately lost her first , second and third baby. Her blood type and her husbands blood type didn't mix. So then they adopted my husband, just a couple months old. Precious little baby boy. A year later they adopted a baby girl and this would make their family complete. Until a few years later when science advanced and they were able to have a baby of their own. The world then revolved around this child and everyone knew it. My husbands adoptive father had no patience for his adopted son always being very verbally abusive to him and paid little attention to their adopted daughter. As time went by it was clear that the adopted children were the problem in the household and that the biological child was the perfect one..she could do no wrong. So after years of being married into this family you could just imagine what I was thinking. The adopted kids were told that they were lucky to have food in their mouths and a roof over their heads.
Over the years I noticed my husband has major anger issues which affected myself and my children…and his adopted sister has major insecurity issues including an eating disorder. As the years went on I found it harder and harder to keep my mouth shut. One day I snapped. It was the day when the biological daughter told my husband that 'if he wanted to be a part of this family then he should start acting like he want to belong' ..I snapped..I thought 'what nerve' can't these people see?..what'swrong with them. This biological child would call herself 'baby bear' and call her parents 'mama and papa bear'..
After that …they alienated us …my husband…my children, their grandchildren. and all through this my husband couldn't say a word…he was too afraid. We made an effort…their birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, when it was our kids birthday they didn't show up…they didn't care. They stopped inviting our family for Christmas. I would try to talk to my husbands adoptive mother..telling her that we loved them and needed them…her response was that I needed help and thst I should go talk to someone. She also said that they knew that my husband..their adopted son wished that he was their biological son and if he had a problem with that he should go talk to someone…I didn't know what to say..I was speechless. She told me to never call her house again. So one day I wrote her a letter and told her how I really felt. It was harsh but all true. After that they started talkin to my husband. Now I'm the bad guy….all of their animosity has turned towards me…but my respect for them is gone.and I really couldn't care less. My husband from time to time will blame me for what happened…his mother has since died and til this day my husband kisses his adoptive fathers ass always seeking his approval.
I just found your blog this morning- thank you! I was adopted as a baby because my biological brother and I were being neglected and not cared for- the state took us away from our mom. I have always struggled with being adopted and the longing for a real true family. My adopted family did the best they could with us. I woul love to continue talking to others about adoption and the life's we adoptees lead.
Thank you
[email protected]
Hello, I will email you.
Hello!
I was adopted from Colombia to Sweden when I was two years old and I´ve always missed my birthmum and Colombia. I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. I can agree with all the points. I can also add that it can be very hard to get your passport if you want to live in your birthcountry later in life. I also think that all adoptees have the right to go back to their country if they want to. Thank you from Cristina
Hello Christina 🙂
Happy to hear your voice! I can only imagine. Are you in contact with your birth mum? Are you in touch with your Spanish culture? I agree with your point that adoptees should be able to go back to their country of birth without any problems or passport hassles. Just as I feel every adoptee should be granted free counseling.
No one chooses their family and everyone is shaped by circumstances they don't control as a child. Many kids do not bond with or abused by biological parents.
your still allowed to have birthparents me the adoptee is not allowed to have birthparents that's the big difference non adoptees are not denied of having birthparents the adoptee is denied of having birthparents bond and abuse have nothing to do withit
I am 64. Adopted at birth by a 48 year old father and 37 year old mother. Adoption was and is a primary issue for me. However, the pain seems to lessen as the years go by and as I grow into someone who truly understands that if I lived with the parents that created me, I wouldn't have had "too many" birthday parties, or piano lessons, or a baby at the age of 36. My adoption was open, at least, with the maternal family. Parts of that sucked, too, because birth and adoptive mothers were jealous of each other; this did a great job of putting me in the middle and having loyalty issues. At the age of 13, I said no more visits with both mothers at the same time. My savior was my father but he could afford to be the savior as he did not have any competition with the birth father. Birth mother and father are deceased and I am only sorry about the birth father's death as I never met him. The birth mother was a physically beautiful woman with a very messed up heart.
Hello,
I had to his is every deep and I for the most part the first time I had an adoptee share about being in an open adoption. I could only imagine how a birth mom and an adoptive mom can share parenting without any conflict. I could never understand how that works. Open adoption, for the most part is the method of adoption used so birth parents or mom can feel like they did the right thing. If that makes sense. I am sorry to hear that you were placed in the middle especially at such a young age. I could only imagine how the visit may have been. Were you ever confused about who and how to love? I am sorry that you did not get to meet your birth father. I believe for the most part if birth mom's had the means to provide and free counseling they would have never placed their child to begin with. Many of them love their children, it just happens to be bad timing I guess. Which is not fair to us as adoptees. I am happy to hear that you are open to express and help so many with sharing your journey. Thank you again for being so brave.
I hate abortion more than I hate adoption, but I do hate adoption. 58 years later and I still don't have a sense of true belonging. I wish I'd never heard of the city I grew up in.
I too am against abortion and dislike it; however, I do support adoption. Are you in reunion? I truly do understand your feelings about not feeling like u belong anywhere. I am in reunion and still feel the same way. I am working on it day by day.
Thank you so much for sharing.
As an adoptive mother, I also hate adoption!!! These adoptive children never look at the kindness of people who opened up and took them into their homes and treated them like they had given birth to them but the worship the ground of the two people who had sex and then walked away from their responsiblites. I was a foster parent and adopted….I wish I have never done either. Birth mom is 33 years old 7 kids and don't have custody of any yet she walks on water in the eyes of my adoptive daughter. I never hid the fact that she was adopted, never lied, never talked bad about the birth mom and tried the best I could to keep the birth mom in my adoptive daughter's life. My adoptive daughter has done everything in her power to destroy my life. I will just be happy when she turns 18 and this nightmare will be over. Maybe my adoptive daughter can make her birth mom be still long enough to notice she is alive. Birth father is in prison for murder. All I know is I want her out of my life!!!
you have some serious issues with jealousy and blame… there are no justified resentments.
"forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds upon the heel that has crushed it" – mark twain
"you have some serious issues with jealousy and blame… there are no justified resentments. "
So far, that's all I've seen in the adoptee's comments.
Right but you as the adult who adopted needs to be an ADULT. You do not have the separation issues or wondering "where do I come from". Holy hallelujah -how in the world did someone like you fool the system into believing that you were mentally healthy enough to take this one? That is what I hate.
You need some serious help
im also a birthmother, in an open adoption situation for over 10 years now.people really shouldnt group all birthparents together because everyones situation is very different. i was only 15 when i gave birth to my beautiful son, when my father found out he wanted me to get an abortion. luckily i had waited until i was too far along for that, so he opened up the phone book and started looking for adoption agencies. i tried to tell him i wanted to keep my son- he told me that was selfish, what did i have to offer a child. then he told me if i kept my son he would wash his hands of me. so a few months later i met the first adoptive couple from the profiles the adoption agency gave me – after they brainwashed me into thinking i could never take care of my own child on my own working a fast food job. the first couple i met seemed nice at first but then she said you know you wont be his mom anymore right? for me that was it, i didnt go with them- so before my son was born i met the couple i chose to raise him. well the first night he was with his adoptive parents i bawled all night long, it hurt so bad, worse than anything ive felt in my life. my mom came into my room to comfort me last night and she told me lets go get him. so to all of you adoptive parents who take the gift of an adopted child for granted — you know what i told my mom—- that i couldnt do that to them because they were so happy to finally get a child after trying for years. so i sucked it up, and the next week i went back to school— of course i was the outcast, i had walked around school pregnant for 9 months, dealing with that and the adoption then losing my mom less than 2 years later was hell. as my son has grown up ive been devestated that he doesnt call me mom, that he could never know the extent of my love for him even if i tell him when we have our visits. i feel like i want kids now but i dont think its because i actually want more kids its because i want to have my son… i resent my dad to this day for pushing me into this, for not having my back when i needed him most. of course my son and his adoptive parents dont know i didnt want to do the adoption because if they knew they could pull visitation from me because i have no parental rights. before we found out my mom had termenial cancer they revoked her visitations because she responded to an email they sent me when my son was a baby saying we needed to cut down on visitations. my mom responded that they wouldnt have a family if it wasnt for me so they shouldnt be speaking to me that way. my mom may or may not have been right in her comment, but the point is that they pulled her visits and they could always do the same for me.i am constantly walking on eggshells with his adoptive parents in fear of what they will do. if my son acts like a brat after he spends time with me they threaten to not let me take him- its drama all the time. dont get me wrong i dont claim to know what anyone in a closed adoption goes through, my situation is different- but i want everyone to know that every adoption is hard, and it sucks. but i have hope that when hes 18 and i dont have to walk on eggshells anymore i will tell him the truth and he will know that ive always loved him and always will no matter what. my experience with my dad may have made me angry and resentful but one invaluable thing it taught me is that i will never ever ever abandon my son when he needs me. even if his adoptive parents are raising him i am a constant presence in his life and i will continue to be for as long as i am allowed. dont judge a book by its cover, i ended up graduating a good high school with my academic letter, im fluent in spanish and have a good job at a pharmacy, im not a failure, ive made the most out of my life because i feel like i owe it to my son to set a good example for him. and i hope he doesnt make me a grandma young but you know what- if he does i will be right there for him.
I am a birth mother in an open adoption situation. It has been a long a very difficult journey- and it's probably different from other stories.
This is my story-
I got pregnant with my son when I was 15, my father wanted me to get an abortion. I had waiting until it was too late for that before I told him. When he found out an abortion wasn't an option he opened up the phone book and started looking for adoption agenecies.The first couple I met already had an adopted child, they seemed pretty nice at first. The potential adoptive mom mentioned at one of our meetings that "you know you aren't going to be his mom anymore right?" I already didn't want to give up my child so this was the breaking point- I told them thanks but no thanks and started looking at other adoptive couple profiles. I met the couple who adopted my son shortly before he was born- they seemed great and to be honest I didnt have much of a choice anyway. During my pregnancy the adoption agency used various means to make me think there was no way in hell I could take care of my own child. This ranged from taking me to an undwed mother's home which was depressing to say the least, to making me fill out work books and paper work that convinced me again- there was no way I could raise my child without the father on a fast food workers salary. On top of that- when I mentioned to my dad that I wanted to keep my son- he said that was selfish of me and that he would wash his hands of me if I decided to keep my son. In other words I was on my own.
For any adoptive parents who may take the amazing gift of an adopted child for granted-
The first night I came home from the hospital without my son was the hardest night of my life. My Mom came into my room as I was bawling my eyes out and she said "Let's go get him". I wanted to so bad, more than anything- But I didn't. I knew they had been trying to have child for years and I couldn't be the person to take that away from them. So I just sat there and cried for days- until I went back to school. Everyone looked at me funny becuase I had walked around school pregnant for 9 months then came back with no baby. No one understood and it was too painful for me to have to explain to every person who asked.
My son and his adoptive parents have no idea that I didn't want the adoption, or that my father wanted an abortion to begin with. I can't tell them any of that becuase I have no parental rights so I'm always on eggshells for fear they will revoke my visitation with him.
When my son was a baby they sent an email to me to say they needed to cut down on visitations so they could begin their family, My Mom responded that if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have a family- so they shouldn't treat me that way. After that they decided to revoke my Mom's visistation with my son- I am always very aware they could do the same to me. When my son is 18 I might tell him the true story of his adoption, I haven't decided yet. I'm torn between letting him think I did it because his adoptive parents could take care of him better than I could financially to telling him I really never wanted to let him go in the first place. I don't want to be selfish I want to do whatever is best for him.
I made sure to graduate high school and get a good job, about to go to college. I hope I set a good example for him to follow and he knows he can do the same.
I don't claim to know what anyone going through a closed adoption is going through- I am sure it's very difficult and challenging. I just wanted to provide a different perspective on the adoption experience in hopes that it will help someone else who may be able to relate. Thanks for listening to my story…
The comment from the adopted mother!!! As an adoptee all I can say is wow!!! Your attitude is part of the reason some of us are even more screwed up!!! Thanks you must feel great about yourself!! Get some help you need it!!!
I hate adoption. I hate that i was adopted. Just 3 days old, ripped away from my mother. the worst part is that my adopted parents just pretended that it was normal. just brushed it all under the table like i was part of the family. never mentioned it again. I never related to to them. they are so simple minded and boring. I hate my sister, who is natural born. They are all religious. They get so offended at me. i am never able to express myself. I have no real relationships. i run from everyone. i have very mean thoughts about people that have good relationships with their moms. the other day i wished a girl's mom that i work with would die because they have such a great relationship and this girl is so well rounded and confident because her mom loves her and she loves her mom and all i wanted was for her mom to die so she could experience pain like me. I honestly hate people. i wish i had never been born and i love abortion more than adoption. there are too many humans in the world. humans disrespect animals and the environment and i like animals more than people. I dont think i will live a full life because some day i will kill myself. i will never have a normal relationship. I am 34 and divorced and no friends and just live by myself. i have a lot going for me – a good job that a like and im a decent looking person with a good personality, but never ever happy. I recently cut my adoptive family out of my life because they got mad at some things i wrote on my blog. My adoptive dad just cares about building things and life on the farm. he is not a bad person but i just dont care about him. I dont care about my mom. She is technically, and on paper, wonderful. But she bores me. My sister had a kid and i dont ever call her or ask about the kid. I think its stupid she wants a family. I dont think of the kid as my nephew. i honestly can't stand my whole family. i feel like a really bad person but if you met me you would think im really kind. i care about animals, the environment. What i buy and eat are made with very conscious decisions. but people, no. I hate them all. i know that was mean. i am just being completely honest.
Hello,
Thank you for your comment and sharing your thoughts will us.
You mentioned that you were just 3 days old when you were ripped away from your mother, was she forced to place you for adoption?
I have read many cases depending on the time period (era) where young mom's were forced to relinquish their child.
Is there anything specific that has happened to you to cause you to be as angry/hateful as you express to be?
Do you hate your sister because she was a natural child to your parents?
Have you ever thought about counseling? I believe it would sincerely help you to work out some of the issues you have mentioned.
I want you to know that you are important to this world, to your family even if it doesnt seem like it at times. I went through it before, and sometimes I feel that I am unimportant in comparison to my mom's children. I was the only adopted one. However, I cant live like that with that anger in my heart forever. Somewhere out there a boy/girl woman/man will need your testimony to heal or get through. This is what life is all about. You are needed, so dont you for a second think that you are not worth it or that you want to leave this earth. The beauty to me about my relationship with God is the fact that I was able to find peace and purpose. And even if I dont always feel at home with my adoptive fam or biological fam, I know in Christ I have a fam. I see everyone as family to me including you. I would not be where I am without people sharing their stories. It lets me know I am human. We cant be perfect all the time.
Its so great to hear of all the positive things you mentioned, a good job, good looking person, good personality. Thats awesome! Happiness starts with you. And it is difficult to be happy at times when it feel like the world is on your back, but you have to get to a point where you determine your own happiness. You deserve to smile everyday. Look around you. The world needs you. Dont let the pass have a hold on your future or the mistakes that others have made. No one is perfect, and there is no such thing of perfect parents or parenting. Sometimes we have to excuse them 1,2,3,4,5,6,7…times.
I am sure you are a great person inside and out. We all have been through some things in life. Some more than others, but you cant let this bring you down anymore. Tomorrow is a new day to be happy. There is so much to thank God for everyday. You are a light to someone in the world. Please dont let your light go out.
I love you Anonymous. The world needs you.
I feel the same way. I hate being alive. I hate my adoptive family and I hate my biological family. I met my mom and she disgusts me…she was also adopted. I know that she gave me up knowing the pain it would cause me to avoid temporary poverty. I wish she had had an abortion or killed herself. I am not like anyone in my "family" physically or otherwise and my adoptive father was abusive. I have been in therapy since I was a teenager and all I got from that was bad medication and mis-diagnosis (bipolar…schitzo-affective disorder…etc) I don't think I'm crazy…I just never belonged here. Now I'm 38 and I feel sorry for my kids. I wish I could pull myself together..I have tried..but I can't. I know how you feel and I feel for YOU.
Anonymous feb 5 I understand. do you know who your people are? your race or tribe or family etc.?
I too was adopted as an infant. I hate it. I hated it then and I hate it now as a 49 year old woman. Tried to meet my birth Dad, he had died already from lymphoma and never told my half siblings about me. Imagine their pain and anger at him when I popped in the picture. They are great people but they didn't deserve this either. Tried to find my birth Mom. Found her but she lives in the shadow of shame and ignorance that she can ignore me and I will disappear again. Half sister there too. She thought she was an only child. Surprise! It's a girl! She tried to connect but doesn't want to rock the boat with our "mother". I guess I am angry. Also, when attempting to find my roots, my adoptive family came slightly unglued on me…"why would I bother those people?" and "didn't they deserve some peace?". Goodness, my worth just got devalued worse than the US dollar…..now, I think I am really angry. This is real people. This is human beings who need the connection. I won't stop being angry because I will always educate others about this crap…..I won't run from this topic…..I am a valued human being with no real blood connection. Sad.
Hello,
I am sorry that your reunion did not turn out as you probably dreamed it would have. I believe one of the most hurtful experiences as an adoptee searching for their family is when you find out it is too late and loss has happened for the second time. I feared that as well when I was searching. I am sure your siblings on both sides of your family were very shocked. Mine were too. They did not know what to say or what to do next. A part of me does what I do because I want birth mothers to come out of that hole they have been hiding in and stop thinking they have to walk the walk of shame. Little do they know many adoptees are forgiving and just want to know who their mom is or feel their touch again. I try not to be so hard on birth mom because I believe they have a lot of forgiving to do within themselves and whatever they were battling at the time. It isnt easy for anyone of us. It is easy to say she should have never did what she did so she wouldnt have to suffer all her life, but the truth is what has been done has been done. This is the time to heal and move forward. I pray for that for your mom. And I pray that your sister can feel at peace having a relationship with you and not feel she is hurting her mom. You have the right to feel they way you do. I only hope that you have found or can find peace.
I would have been very angry or at least disturbed at the comment your AP made. "those people" will always be your people. I deal with this all the time in adoption. People, especially AP's do not get that our birth family will always be our family if we want to see them like that. They do not understand what it means to be in someone's womb and growing and bonding. I feel you 100% and I am glad that you stood up for yourself and your belief. The key to ending this nonsense is educating each other and especially AP's.
Thank you for being a light and sharing with us. Keep educating the world with your voice!
As an Adoptee AND a Birth Mom. This post hits home and makes me sad.
I have a similar one, http://mk2sahm.blogspot.ca/2013/04/10-things-i-dont-like-about-adoption.html
Thanks for sharing on your blog.
It is nice to know we are not alone, although a lot of the time we feel like it. It is hard to find people that truly understand what we are going through.
Thank you so much for reading and your comment. I look forward to reading it.
I just found out thatmy birth mother died. I never got to know her because I am 12 and she just dissapeared. I have so many sibling sbecause my bith dad was a sex freak. Now i found out that HE died and who am I? What am I? I act like a crazy psycho around people at school because I do not know who I am supposed to be. >:( i wish I was never adopted. Maybe my parents would still be alive.
I am so sorry to hear about your birth mom and dad passing away. I can only imagine how you feel. My biological little brother was recently killed and has left me really sad. I want you to know that you are very brave for writing me and sharing your feelings. I am proud of you and your strength is inspiring.
I know through experience that it is difficult trying to figure who you are without knowing your family history. We are our parents DNA and we share the same blood. There will always be a connection. I pray that you will one day be able to meet at least your brothers and sisters or someone that can tell you what your parents were alike at least. If would be nice to see some pics or people tell you stories about them.
But I want you to know that you are who YOU want to be. You do not have to make yourself be like your adoptive family or any other family or person to fit in. What ever your heart desires to be be that person. You are a one of a kind person that God created. Each and everyone of us are special in our own way. I know it can get crazy at times and you may feel like you are going nuts trying to find out who you are, but it will all come in time. I am in my 20's and I am still changing everyday. We find out who we are through experience and the things that we go through. So dont let it get you down if you do not know right now. No matter whether you were adopted or not, everything happens for a reason. I want you to know that. Please do not blame yourself for their passing. I know as an adoptee that we wish we could change the hands of time or if we were around we could have changed thing; however, the truth is there really isnt anything we can do. We cannot blame ourselves. Just know and never forget that you are loved and cared about. God will never leave you and He is always watching over you. Please write me back if you need anything. Keep your head up.
i hate adoption especially because mine was illegal. i'm 38 and hate me.
I am sorry to hear about how your adoption was handled. We all wish in a perfect world that adoption would be handled with the child in mind and not the birth mom or adoptive parents. Please do not have yourself. You are too important to this world to feel that way. No matter what has happened in your life, trust me you have a purpose. Someone needs you. Just by you speaking out you are inspiring someone to continue to write about adoptee rights or some one to be strong because they are not alone and went through the same thing as you. You are stronger than you know. You have a purpose!
Adoption just means the birth mother is lazy I believe if you have a child you should take the responsibility to raise it. get a job n grow up also why would anyone want to grow up being lied to and never knowing the truth?
Hello,
At times I feel the same way. I feel like placing a child for adoption is a cop out, giving up, or being selfish. It is not fair for the child to be punished. No matter how wonderful of a home the child is placed in they still suffer from loss. What is another mouth to feed? To cloth? A child doesnt ask to have lavish things; a child simply wants love.
However, I will say in some instances placing the child for adoption or with a family member is sometimes the best thing to do if the child would not be in a safe environment. For example, my case. I was angry for a long time for my mom leaving me. I could not understand how she could do something like that, but after having experienced tragedy back to back, I know that the best thing for me was to be placed with another family. It saved my life.
The bottom line, we cannot judge anyones situation unless we been there or if we experienced it. We have to pray for mother's that are in trouble and need guidance or assistance.
Thank you for sharing your comment with us.
Tks so much for this.I am 38 6 months into reunion and have a great relationship with my birth mum and 5 siblings. I also HATE adoption.Hearing ppl mention it makes me emotional, angry and upset.My adoptive parents are good ppl but we never really clicked. They had a two yr old daughter natural when they adopted me and couldnt have nymore after her.I have always felt that they basically adopted me for her.Which backfired immensely as we are not close.I feel such guilt at the moment because my relationship with bio family is so good and adoptive family is only a surface one.When ppl say "oh did you hear (name) adopted a baby from Ethiopia." I feel like I'm going to explode with anger. I have struggled with promiscuity, alcoholism and poor self esteem all my life and directly blame both my own poor choices and adoption.I hate adoption.
I am adopting my baby brother. He is 10 now but he has lived with us (hubby and I) since he was 4. My mom glamorized her drug and alcohol abuse all of our lives and even convinced my brother at age 3 that he was gonna be a drug dealer. Also he os epileptic, she refused him his meds in an effort to make him sicker for more money from the state. He was only coming to visit us and she decided to party and lost her job (something she won't keep for more than 6 months) She asked me to keep him longer and longer. She refused to send him his meds and I've even listened on the phone while she bought drugs with his medicine money. She has since moved into homeless shelters and lives with different men each year. We don't always know where she is or if she's alive. She doesn't call, doesn't visit amd has NEVER even thought twice about the court appointed visitations.
My brother is asking to be adopted. He wants our last name. I've had a baby and he calls her his sister. He calls us mom and dad by choice and he really is our pride and joy. We don't bad mouth my mom but we do amswer his questions with honest, yet kid appropriate amswers. He watched her do drugs so their isn't a question of her drug use from him. When he sees her (3 times is 6 yrs) he gets very depressed because of the way she treats him. She tells him to lie to us, tries to guilt him into living with her. We are now pursing an adoption. Considering her toxic ways, I would be happy with it closed and I wish he could just forget about her but I know that is not gonna happen. I want to protect him from more hurt but her but he sees the good in everyone. I know she will hurt his heart again because she does it so often. He knows that she only calls once per year, yet says she misses him. She tells him that its his fault because he won't just live with her. He badly wants to change her but thankfully forgets about her forweeks on end . We answer every question as soon as it comes. We invite him into discussions when we see he needs to talk and we have made it safe for him.
I see so many people are hurt by adoption situations but I don't regret my decision. I saved him from seizures, drugs and drug dealers. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Do you have an suggestions on how to continue to help him through dealing with being adopted? He's quite excited except that he wonders how this effects our mom. I understand where he is coming from but as an adult I also know he is safer away from her.
I hate adoption because it is SLAVERY. I WAS PURCHASED. IF YOU DO NOT GET THIS, YOU ARE NOT HUMAN.
I was brought out of my room every time my valium addicted mother needed to look "NORMAL".
(I was the child who ran down the hall for her "MEDICINE" every time she threw a FIT.)
I was a Preacher's Kid…A REALLY special sort of ABOSOLUTE HELL OF AN ENVIRONMENT TO BE RAISED IN…I had to please adoptive parents, all parishioners…GOD…IT NEVER STOPPED.
I AM STILL PERFORMING AT THE AGE OF 60…
I AM FOREVER VIGILANT. I wish I could stop.
Anger…very little…it is too exhausting.
PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE SCRIPTURE or TELL ME ABOUT A LOVING GOD…GOD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ADOPTION.
Hi Everyone.
Thank you all for sharing your views, i am about to raise two orphans from my community. I am somali and the children are somali too.. i didnt buy the kids.. it doesnt work that way in my community… what happens is that orphans are taken in by either the extended relatives or clan members.. the community chose me to raised them , there were no papers signed,the children ofcourse once their older will know who they are and where they come from. western ways of adoption is always interesting to me – i find it very unfair to the child- most adopted children dont even know who they are!
i thank God that my country put very strict laws on adoption – somali children can only be raised by another somali – and to me that makes sense.
it would break my heart to know a somali child is been raised in a foreign home whre the customs and culture, language diffrent from the childs.
children are not livestock to be traded
before i was taken in by my uncle, i was either living on the street, sleeping in shopping malls and the back of a grocery story, or a)being kicked out of foster homes because they wanted the money but didn't want to take care of a little Native American girl, or b) being beat up by kids in group homes and run off because I was a little Native American girl.. my birth mother committed suicide when I was 13 years old, and my birth father emotionally, physically AND sexually abused me. When my mother killed herself the courts asked me if I would try living with my maternal uncle (no kids only married once), I agreed to it because being homeless is fucking hard. When I moved in, his wife (white, married 3 times has kids 12-30 years older than me, taking care of her grandson who was the same age as me)HATED me, I was SUCH A BURDEN on her and her brood, her grandson acted out what she was obviously thinking and immediately tried to run me off (we were both 13 at the time)he distanced me from everyone our age in school, told everyone I was a freak, ugly, stupid etc. isolated me and emotionally brow beat me from 6th grade to hs graduation, of course for appearances sake in public he acted like he "could stand me".. my adopted mother eventually accepted me after 5-6 years and by then, after years of being told, "as soon as you get your diploma your getting your shit and moving out" after graduating THAT DAY that's exactly what I did, and the last moment when she realized just how shitty my life was at that point I think she geniunely cried and tried to make amends for being such a bitch for the time I knew her up till that point. The grandson is still a arrogant piece of shit. The only person who really cared for me was my maternal uncle, he told me of things of consequence, he poured much of his energy and love into my life and gave me a chance at least of choosing a life of grace (he said there are only two decisions we make in this life, hold onto whatever happened with whoever did what into the next life, or the law of grace– let go and have a open heart) he gave me a chance to choose my life.. He really tried to stop his wife and her grandson from being meaner than they were even threatened divorce at one point. And the funny thing is, my adopted mom wasn't mean all the time, I think her nature is mostly loving, she is chaotic, funny, goofy, loud.. I couldn't hate her for trying to get rid of me. I am 35 years old.. my dad died a couple years ago and my adopted sisters wouldn't let me sleep anywhere but the floor in the house or in a tent in the yard while I was caring for him. They all keep a distance from me now.. what was better.. being homeless and raising myself or being half loved? Sometimes you have to ask yourself that question..
Jessenia, I didn't even realize that the list was that long until I reached the end. It was engrossing and I got lost in trying to understand each one's feelings behind the thing they hate the most. It's also great that you are giving many a way to express their feelings with your list.
what I hate about being adopted is you aren't "real" and people are constantly trying to "adopt" you.
I am adopted. I was adopted at 4 days old. Don't know my birth parents-nor am I really sure I want to. I was told I was adopted from the get-go, and do not remember ever not knowing that I came from somewhere else. What I do know is that my adoptive parents have done more for me than any single, teenage girl would have done had she kept me. My sister is adopted as well, we are not biologically related. I feel as though everyone comes here to bitch and moan. Yes, there are certain things that come with being adopted, but the people I know who have been adopted have ALL had good experiences. I realize that unfortunately that is not always the case, however to compare it to slavery, or human trafficking is just ignorant and idiotic. Those who say that have ZERO viable options outside abortion for unwanted children. I have found that perhaps my parents love me more than most other parents, since they couldn't get pregnant and wanted to. Most people can just spread their legs and have a child, there is no prerequisite, and most do so without even thinking of the consequences since it is expected of you. Well, my parents REALLY had to make a choice.
I also have no idea when people say "you aren't real and people are always trying to adopt you""or everything that has happened in my life is because i was adopted" Yes, there are MANY times where I feel like I don't belong necessarily, in my own family, but its nothing they have done (meaning its my own issue), and the good has far outweighed the bad. It is weird looking into the mirror and not knowing exactly where you came from. but still. Do none of these people have choices in life? Your birth situation does not control your "fate" in life. Your life is what you make of it.
This site is a little disturbing since as far as I can tell, it paints most people who are adopted as whiners who have decided to blame everything that is wrong with their life on being adopted, instead of taking steps to better themselves. Its sad and kind of pathetic, and I am a little embarrassed for us.
To say the birth mother was "lazy" is also hilarious. If you cannot take care of a child financially or otherwise (and yes, i think if you live in a trailer or have a cashier job at walmart that counts as NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF A CHILD FINANCIALLY) then the most responsible thing to do is to give it to someone who wants a child badly, and who does have the resources.
Truth be told, people always ask me if I want to meet my birth mother, and while I am curious about nationality, there really isn't any other reason then to be disappointed, like so many people hear seem to have been. The fact is, your birth mother most likely was not some really successful brilliant person who made good choices in life, or who is even fit to be a parent ever. She probably didn't go to harvard, or is from a high born family in the rich part of town. So looking for some amazingly happy ending that proves you would have been better off had you not been adopted is a pipe dream for most, and a delusion for evidently, what is a bunch of people here. I understand if you have been abused by your adopted family, but for many of us, that is not the case at all, and to see SO much negativity is disconcerting. We all have to stick together, but, in the end, the only person who is in charge of your life is YOU, and that is a scary responsibility that many don't want to take.
Well, I'm glad your childhood turned out so great. You don't have to flaunt how fucking wonderful your life is.
I really appreciate this blog. It really helped me since me and my adopted family decided now , at 32 we would go our seperate ways. They never really loved me anyway…me and my so called adopted brother never bonded and to me my whole life has been a waste of time. I feel so lonely and lost. What makes it worse is i cant have kids myself so my bloodline stops here. I dont even know anything about my birthmom, dad or the 4 sisters i was told i have. i have spent my whole life trying to run people away and i am so angry. I too hate adoption.
Did anyone here have a positive life?
Uh, as an adoptee I was raised knowing where I came from but never once wanted to know my biological family. They all sounded so increibly pathetic and unworthy of the time, specially my birth mother.
I guess my adoptive mother does love me but I'm sure she wouldn't have treated a birth kid the same way she treats me. Not that she's mean or anything, but she always seems detached or unimpressed. Like if she was expecting me to make up to her for not being hers. I don't know.
Today I really hate the idea of "family" and would hate the idea of having children; my life and experience has made me, out of need, a very self centered person and has taught me that to be a good (adoptive) parent you need to be completely selfless and have a lot of love to give, which honestly, is something that just doesn't happen. In my mother's case she had love, but it was a selfish kind, she -needed- to have a child to get over the fact that she couldn't get pregnant. And even when my adoptive father killed himself and she couldn't raise me properly due to her unending work hours she still decided to keep me. She says she could've given me away when she's angry, I wonder why she didn't do it.
Today I am 19 and still living with her out of need. Not a day goes by without her reminding me this is not my home. I'm really anxious to cut ties with her and eliminate the word "family" from my vocabulary. It's such a poisonous and fake word…
I'm also Mixed Race and I don't know if you were adopted by a White family or not but I was and I have to say it's the hardest thing ever. Being Mixed race in a white family growing up was always difficult for me. As a child I didn't notice it as much because I was just a a kid and didn't think hard about it all I knew is that I was adopted and one day when I turn 18 or whatever i'm going to find her and everything will be dandy. But see I got to a point in my teen years going into Highschool probally where I just wanted to fit in and make friends with the cool people, so I started neglecting my adopted parents and started lying because I was the type of kid who was very shy and just couldn't handle all the fucking attention starting in Highschool . So to fit in I would always say when asked about my parents that my Dad was black (Which he was ) and my Mom was Irish ( Which she was ) but I would always be talking about my real parents , the ones that created me And I think this brought on everything that makes it so difficult for me to be around my adopted parents. Like being with them in public because I always think people would stare or point fingers. It made me extremely insecure around my adopted cousins and there family because I know I don't fit in and just feel embarrased tbh being with them on outings DOn't get me wrong there very loving people and have showed me nothing but that also same for my Adopted family but it's just so hard because your not the same color and that stands out right away to people and makes me incrediablly embarrased because I know people are looking. I don't even go out anymore with them and even if I was to go out I'd only pick one to go with so atleast people would see I have a white parent and that's how I'm mixed race. I'm very angry at them most of the time aswell and just the little things they do really pisses me off because there a bit goofy LOL I also have a Sister aswell and she was adopted, only problem is she's white, we fight allot or just I get bursts of anger towards her and I think deep down inside it's not just a brother/sister thing it's just the fact she's white and nobody can say fucking shit only I know and the people in the family but I think her life is allot better than mine and mine is just full of hate towards the world and what i sculpted myself out to think and say and be. and what's worse I found out my real mom can't meet me right now ( For reasons ) and what's even more worse I have a sister by her and she's 3 years older than me and was never told bout me and that really fucked with my head I think because of that I have suicidal thoughts on the daily and think to myself if I end my life I won't have to suffer all this Rage ,Trauma and jealousy I have and maybe i'll be born again in a different womb to a woman that will actually want me. Only thing stopping me though is that little bit of "HOPE" in me that i'll be reunited with my mom finally and all this pain and suffering will just go away and I won't be angry nomore or worried about things and i'll look back and laugh, but I really don't know . so my life is turning into hell and everythings getting worse and i'm begeinning not to love my adopted parents sister, cousins and think it's all one big fucking joke I'm here with them. I wish I could change but I can feel myself drifting away further every day..I'm sorry for this big reply just i've never ever got my feelings out about this before so I guess I was thinking about how big it'd be I was just typing allot not all of what I felt. but thank you and I just saw your blog today I can definatley relate to some stories/
I am also mixed race but look "white", my sisters do not. We are biologically related but growing up people thought that either I was adopted or they were. Or they thought that my mom was my nanny. People can be annoying but really it's not a big deal. I guess my point is, many families are mixed race and don't necessarily "look" like they go together. This is not exclusive to adoption. Being around my extended biological family looks like being at a UN summit.
What do I hate about being adopted? No matter what I've found out, searched for or discovered about my past: if I live to be 102; I will always be adopted. I cannot make it go away. DMR b10/08/57 Left orphanage 12/9/57
I wrote a earlier post on here, adopted by uncle etc.. it's not all bad.. I grew up.. I have a good life here in the states.. I have a man who loves me (it's 12 years now) and he came from a similar situation.. the reason why it sounds so negative here is because we are all reaching inside of ourselves at that painful time of our lives and we feel compelled to share… each of us carries every stage of ourselves throughout the years and sometimes it needs to be expressed.. I would not change my life if I had a choice.. it made me stronger than I would normally would have been and given me tools that help me succeed in business.. so no.. it's not all bad.. but people have to open up and admit when it is,… those memories if hushed up can fester
the worst Thing you can ever Do Is not tell someone their adopted. I am an Emotional train wreak from this. I can Not Feel and I can not trust. I was adopted and Mentally abused by my Adopted father. Treated Lower than dirt by my sibling. And Had to Liston to people tell me I am lucky for having been adopted. I was saved from nothing. I have met my biological family and they all seem like good people. My Bio Aunt wanted to adopt me But, They Would not let her. He daughter is a happy well adjusted person. They do things together and you can tell she is loved.I Don't know what it's like to be loved. My Adopted mother show very little affection or encouragement to me. I lived in poverty and was abused with religion.
My Adopted Dad yelled in our faces and has told me he hated me more times I can count. Mom Adopted mother stood by and did nothing to stop him. I felt lonely and worthless as a child. Also I am a mixed race person and they tried to pass me off as being white. So I think something has to change they way the system is set up. There needs to be a 3 year or so Trial.
I do not hate birth control or early abortion.
I hate being adopted because I have never had a chance to touch my mother's face. I hate that in the 60's women could be discriminated against for: housing, jobs, credit, raising children on their own.
I hate that men could sire children and not even have to pay child support or own up to the fact that they even have children. A woman could not prove who the father of her child was, so there was no way to force men to be responsible. Dad, you created me, had fun banging my mom, and left her to sign me over to the county. That must have been a horrible day for her, bleeding like a sieve, with breast milk meant for leaking everywhere while she went in front of a judge and signed me over. All you had to do was tell her to get her sleazy self away and shut the door to your home and bang your wife.
Thank goodness for DNA now gentlemen, you bastards are gunning for you and will let your wife and kids know the truth.
I hate adoption because the word itself has become associated with such negativity. I'm an adult adoptee. No, my life has not been perfection, but neither has anyone elses. I am a masters level social worker. I understand human emotion and human pain and the human condition. I understand that being adopted can produce feelings of loss, feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment. I don’t deny that I have felt some of this at various points of my life. I’m in touch with these things. I choose to focus on the positives to help me work through any feelings I have (whether they are related to adoption or not). Most often, I feel fortunate. I don't feel like a walking tragedy. It's sad to me that there is so much literature about the negatives, the dark side of adoption. It leads "everyone else" to associate adoption with the negative, too. Talk about a sulf-fufilling prophecy. The fact of the matter is, NOBODY in this world has absolute control over their circumstances, especially when it relates to the home they were raised in. I'm tired of folks using adoption as a convenient excuse. We're all unique, and I certainly don't begrudge someone their own experience and feelings. But don't pidgeon- hole yourselves. Don't fall prey to the victim mentality. If you have feelings to work through, find ways to work through them, no matter what your circumstances are. I know people who aren't adopted who are less well-adjusted. Adoption, for me is also associated with joy. It lead me to have the most wonderful connections that I would not have made if my life had gone in a different direction. And for that, I am grateful.
So my reunion With my Birth Mother didn't go as smooth as i wanted to . So now my Adoptive mom is making a PSA going around ,and telling everybody in the family that the reunion went wrong. I hate When she does that , and shes always saying "I Saved you". Yes, My upringing was ok but i always felt lost when my Adoptive mom told me i was Adopted in the 1st grade. I went to counseling that didn't work. I'm still distant to My Adoptive father side , because growing up one of my adoptive uncles treated me differently from my other siblings. To This day i'm not that Close to My Adoptive fathers side ; there so phony .
I was adopted with my little brother we were so close didn't want to be away from one another my 3 older sib lings were adopted in another home diff town an. Y 2 oldest sisters I didnt k ow of u til I got older. My adopted mom treated me so bad . My brother was everything adopted parents had 5 kids of there own as well. But I'm 39 an they dont bother having me part of family. Its been 17yrs since I was invited for holidays . They don't acknowledge my 2 boys they have known that my kids an I have been homeless an left us out there. They were not there when I had stroke an my boys found me dead. Hospital called them an not a soul showed up I was put I. Icu . So yes adoption sucks unless u get a very lovin caring family that will except you no matter what . Some ppl got lucky . I talk to birth mom I forgive her but it wasnt her that put us kids I. The system .
I was adopted into a loving adoptive family, but i still feel lost. I will always have attachment issues. Yes, the system is very missed up. You spend all this money on finding your parents, and when your biological parents don't want anything to do with you . Thats 500 dollars down the drain, and you can't even get medical records without there consent crappy.
I was married for three years with out any child,because of this my husband start acting very strange at home,coming home late and not spending time with me any more.So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family.my sister in law told me about Dr.Sango from the Internet,how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him.he cast a spell and it was a miracle three days later my husband can back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Sango for saving my relationship and for also saving others too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is:[email protected]
I was married for three years with out any child,because of this my husband start acting very strange at home,coming home late and not spending time with me any more.So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family.my sister in law told me about Dr.Sango from the Internet,how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him.he cast a spell and it was a miracle three days later my husband can back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Sango for saving my relationship and for also saving others too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is:[email protected]
'At times … I feel like placing a child for adoption is a cop out, giving up, or being selfish. It is not fair for the child to be punished.'
When I surrendered my son for adoption, when I was 16 years old, I totally believed that he was going to have a wonderful life. That was what I was told by all the adults and professionals around me, and I trusted them, because I was young. That was the reason I gave him up.
Only after our reunion did I learn the truth. That he felt unloved by me, rejected, not good enough. None of these were true – as a baby I felt he was so new and so perfect and lovely that I wanted him to have the very best start in life. I was convinced by the social workers that I would be bad for him because I was so young.
Instead he was badly treated by those who adopted him. And I missed him terribly for decades. I am so glad he is in my life again, and if I could turn back time, I would do anything to be able to do so.
Please understand, we didn't know that our children would suffer. We did not know that it would feel like a punishment. We were promised that our beautiful babies would be loved beyond measure, and have lives so good that we could never hope to give them. It was all rubbish. My son would have been so much happier with me (his words) and I would've cherished being his mother for all his treasured life.
This post is exactly how I feel. I regret everyday for making the decision to give my boy up for adoption. I pray for forgiveness from him, myself, and God everyday. I know this does not resolve the pain my sin may or may not be going to but I was very young and scared. I made the wrong decision but can only pray and hopen that I gave him to a loving family. It was a semi-open adoption and for 6 months I had beautiful pictures of him and his parents and biological sister. I met the parents and they seemed very nice. It has been 22 yrs now and I have recently just found him but have not made contact for fear of interrupting his life. He may not know or want to know about me and to inject myself is stupid and selfish. If he wants to know me I will be there and will never let him go again. If he hates me I will understand that too. My heart is pained everyday for not knowing him but it is my punishment and if he suffered my only wish would be to bear his pain for him. His father and I still talk and he feels the same. I believe God let him be with a loving family and I can only hope that one day he may want to know. If not blessings to him and his adoptive family.
This post is exactly how I feel. I too sometimes feel that adoption can be seen as "lazy and irresponsible". I am a birthmother and I see so much pain in these posts. I regret everyday for the decision I have made. I ask forgiveness from my son, myself and God. I believe everything happens for a reason. And I do believe in " if I could turn back time….". My son does not know the love and pain I have carried around for him for 22 yrs. I have never had another child and I believe there is a reason. I am not with the father but we are friends and he feels the same as I do. If he were to look for us we would never give him up again and would love him fully. I have recently (today) believe i have found my son but have not yet contacted him. I too am afraid of rejecton but more so of interrupting his life. He may or may not know about me or his father. It was a semi-open adoption and I met the parents at 17. I have pictures of the first 6 months and then all communication was cut off which was the adoptive family's right. I did not know their last name just the first names. His records were always hidden until today. I am scared that it would cause more damage if he has incurred any if I make contact. I believe God let me give him to a loving family and I would hate to mess that up. I have no right. But if he wants to know me I am here with an open heart and if he hates me I will understand that too. I was young and scared with no guidance. My mother wanted me to have an abortion and I refused because my son deserved to live. I am not looking for sympathy I just wanted to tell the other side where pain and love exists. He looks happy and healthy and all I wanted to know was if he was still alive. I have a chance and will take it if he let's me and wants it to. If not then blessings to him an his adoptive famkly. Love you baby boy.
you situation and thoughts are very bias, and not reliable to believe enough.
it is a huge shame that all of you adoptees feel this way. it is because of outside factors though, and believe it. whether it may be your adoptive parents not being as involved or being negligent to you, a traumatic past, and they negative ways society stupidly approaches adoption. I have an adoptive brother, who I do not see any different then me, he actually realizes that his real parents, didn't want him, painful, but my parents wanted him. wanted him to be their son, and spending thousands of dollars, and voluntarily taking on the challenge. that's special. result; he does better them ,e in everything in life then me. growing up happy, and quite frankly doesn't give a fuck who abandoned him. their loss, and your biological parents loss. just give the ones who actually care about you a chance. who cares who share your blood type.
It is a huge shame you have this strong opinion on all us, adoptees, and how we should feel and how grateful we should be while your own biological family adopted your adoptive brother. So, what do you know about not growing up with your own biological parents? If everything is true about your adoptive brother and if it's true he genuinely feels there is no difference between him and you and that he has no feelings of loss and sadness, he is one of very lucky ones. Good adopted families have the audacity to claim they did "right" by us. We are lucky and have been saved. But it is based on material end results mostly. Who says we may have not have been emotionally better off had we stayed with our biological mother whose hardest decision was to give us up because she was convinced she couldn't give us enough? Isn't that worth more? Adoption is a huge challenge for both the adopted family and adoptee(s) and every situation is different. I am convinced that in the majority of cases, it just can't be the same. Even the good adopted families overcompensate in many ways. I am grateful to my parents, but I, like so many out there, wish it could have been different. I have my own daughter now. I now know for a fact I was never loved the way I love my daughter… no matter how much my adopted parents (without their own biological children) believe they love me. I agree with you that for some adoptees out there adoption was the second best thing for them and that they feel lucky. But emotional baggage is the main side effect you have to deal with for the rest of your life.
I am not adopted, but my parents adopted a sixteen year old Ukrainian girl. It made my childhood difficult, because she was always treated better than I was because she wasn't raised in my family. I do not blame her, I blame my parents. She was allowed a boyfriend immediately and was allowed to see him and do things with him at all hours, and I was not with my boyfriends. When I was learning to drive, my parents had to sit in the passenger's seat to teach me, and she hated not sitting in the front, so she refused to get in a car with me, and my parents let her gt away with it. It just put a strain on my relationship with her and with my father, because he thought I hated her, when in reality I hated that she was treated better than I was, even though she rebelled more and acted snotty and rude to me and my biological sisters. My relationship with my father has never recovered, which is why I, too, hate adoption.
After reading this, I'm just as baffled as I always am. I am 46 years old and I was adopted when I was 4 months old. I was placed through the state agency to a family that was "similar" in many ways to the family that "gave me up". It has taken me years and lots of hills and valleys to get to this point…and I still don't have clear answers. When I was 24..a year after my marriage I decided to search for my biological roots…The state agency gave me my "non identifying" information…that coupled with a last name and a library full of phone books…and I was off. The first phone call I made was to my biological father…how does that happen? I didn't even get a few warm up calls! He started completing my sentences. It was odd…and made me uncomfortable..and also exciting. Through this phone call I found out I was the youngest of 5, my parents were going through a divorce and my mother was advised to "give me up". After all, no one was really sure who my father really was. I also found out that my mother was no longer alive. She took her life on my birthday, the year before. That has been my cross to bear and the greatest gift all wrapped up in one. Think about that! I've enjoyed meeting my brothers and sisters and in turn my nieces and nephews but I'm held distant which just leaves me sad. I think adoptees have a very difficult time putting in words how they have been effected by their adoption. It's everything I am. Just try defining who you are…it's so difficult. I wrestle with my thoughts when it comes to…is it good? is it bad? It's both! What are the alternatives? That's really what it comes down to. Do I feel that I would have been better off aborted? Hell no! Well…sometimes. I'm not suicidal…don't go there…I'm honest. I see the struggles and the hard time fitting in…but I see the good too…I love my kids, my husband, etc…I've got a good life…I just have a lot of "stuff" jammed in my tree trunk. It's not about blood type…we can all find that very easily…I'm not sure where I was going. I would love to lend myself to some kind of study!
there are so many things I hate about being adopted but I will name a few being adopted I have been punished even though I have no commited no crime never really having a family alone in the world no money no sense of belonging
I hate adpotion, I have felt abandoned my whole live. It my birth mother didnt love me enough to keep me then how could any one else love me. I have been alone my whole life I just cant seem to let anyone in. I am in my 40's and have no friends and generally hate people. I have always known I was adopted my adopted mother would anounce it to everyone. I was a means to make her feel like a better person, thats all. She would take me to orphanages and say see you would be here if I didnt adopt you. I want to find my real parents so I have a focus for all my anger and hate. I would love to make them suffer the way I suffer every day. I want them to hate life the way I hate life. My life has been miserable, I wish they would have aborted me. death is easier than this.
So if adoption is not an option, what do you think should happen to children that are not being cared for by their birth parents? Do you think it would be better if they remained in care homes or as foster children. Do you have an arrangement in mind that you feel would work better?
Legal Guardianship would be the next best solution. A child would retain their identity and their heritage. They would not be denied their records. Their separation pain would not be remedied, as that is the result any time a child is removed from a parent. It still stinks, but it is the next best option second to keeping a child with their birth parent at all costs which would be the first choice or in the same family as a second choice.
If a mother does not wish to raise her child she would reach out to a family member to raise the child to keep the family together. Upon reuniting with my birth family they were all enraged with my birthmom for not telling anyone she placed a child for adoption. Many of them said they would have raised me to keep me in the family. I don't know how much of that is true, but I think it is the best solution. If no one in the family can take the child in I believe open-adoption is the next option. In no way should a child remain in a foster home with the thought that they may be moved again, and again, and again. That is not healthy and no way a child should ever have to live. I will add just as Joanne did, that no child should ever lose their identity and heritage upon adoption.
My adopted son was safely surrendered to a hospital because the mother wanted nothing to do with him. All contact information given to the hospital was false. He was born with drugs in his body. My adopted daughter was born prematurely and was born having withdrawals from multiple drugs in her body. They would not release her from the hospital because she had to be fed by a tube. The birthmother left the country, never returned, and also left false contact information with the hospital. If adoption is so terrible, what would you suggest? Should they stop accepting safe surrenders and go back to birthmothers throwing the babies in the trash to die? What do you do with an infant whose body was saturated with drugs, whose birthmother just up and left? Should the hospital have stopped feeding her and let her starve to death so she wouldn't have to go through the horror of adoption? How does an adoptive parent let the child keep an identity when nobody knows what it is? I did get both my children ancestry dna tests, but it does not say even what country they are from; just a vague location.
I know this feel. I was adopted at 3 by my great-grandparents, and right now it's a living hell because my "Mom" has Alzheimer's and she's in the 5th stage, and my "Dad" has heart problems. I hate my mom because she's a whore (my real mom), she's had 6 children including me. She said she only wanted a boy, and gave away her 4 girls until she got a boy.
I'm never understood at school, and I hate my life sometimes because I can never go anywhere like everyone else can.
I have extreme anxiety and I take pills for it, as well as constant headaches.
And when I grow up, I'm going to be an Adoption Counselor so I can help children like us.
Hi Meagan, I am so sorry you feel this way girl 🙁
As I read your message I can honestly say I understand you. My birth mom had 7 including me. I was the only one adopted. I am a middle child. I was always told that my mom was promiscuous (Ill say that to be nice) and that she only wanted boys. She did not start parenting until she had a boy.
I know right now it hurts that you have that responsibility of being an adult and having to take care of them or things you probably shouldn't have to while your friends or peers are living their life to the fullest. I know how you feel. I didn't grow up with a fun childhood. I grew up fast, very fast!
Want I want to share with you is that sometimes we don't have all the answers. Sometimes we don't understand WHY US. Sometimes we hate our own lives or others because of the hand we were dealt, but I promise you that if you keep on being strong everyday you will overcome this and everything will make sense. It takes time. You have to take this pain you are feeling and turn it into something beautiful. I always say there is purpose in our pain. Everything you have been through and are going through is for a reason. You are strong for it. It is preparing you to be one of the best social workers or adoption counselors in the world! You will be the difference in a child's life that is going through what you once went through. I am sure you know that it is hard to trust people or open up to people that have never gone through what you have gone through. You are now equipped with that power to help someone get through. I know you are going to be great Meagan! Keep your head up girl. Don't let anyone bring you down. You have a purpose! Find your peace and your little place in this world.
Please connect with me at Facebook.com/iamadoptedblog
I hate that my son will never know his birth parents. I hate that he was abandoned at birth and there is no way to find his family. I hate that "adoption" used as an adjective. I hate that I can't fill that hole. I hate that I can't protect him from that pain.
Thank you for sharing this, and I thank you for hearing your voice as an adoptive parent wishing that your child could know and understand. I pray that when the time comes he will be able to find the peace he needs and that you may be able to comfort him in all his ways. I am sending prayers to you and your family.
I am adopted at 9 months old, I had cancer when I was 13 and was very sick, knowing that it was genetic I was very curious about my birth family, I also was molisted and it was covered up by my adopted family, my adopted mom and dad got divorced when I was 5, and my adopted dad went to prison when I was 16, I have ptsd and anxiety sleep issues and also placed a baby for adoption, being on the other side was terrifying because knowing what my issues we're, I can honestly say that was a very hard decision, I give my birth mom respect, I used to be pissed at her, but I felt her pain which changed what I originally thought about her. I also met my birth mom, and I was a dirty traumatic experience for her, and my brother and sister don't really care I guess? But I constantly jump around searching for that bond and relationships my adopted cousins have with eachother, they have fun, call eachother, we all have kids and I am not invited, the issue was brought up at a easter get together, and the response I got was, well your invited to christmas and easter…. yeah that's normal but I was speaking of hanging out like they do with eachother, have fun, go camping, I did all that growing up with them, but now im forgotten I guess, I refuse to put myself in heartbreak and curiosity, so I dont go to there functions and I keep my kids away, but I am hurt cause I love them.
Hello, thank you for sharing your feelings and life experiences with us all. It sounds like you have been through a lot, but it also sounds to me like you are a fighter and a overcomer. No one has power of your life to keep you down about the past. They cannot hurt you if you don't let them. I always say, "go where you are loved". If they don't want to invite you or accept, carry on. You have your children, and most of all, you have yourself. You keep on being strong even when it hurts sometimes. They don't know any better and for that, it is their loss. Live out your happiness and continue to find out what brings you joy 🙂
I hate adoption, because I have gravestones to visit instead of a mother and father.
I am sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same with my little brother. March 22 will be his one year anniversary that my little brother was killed. We were supposed to meet last summer. I pray for you to have and find peace and to continue to be strong through this. <3
I nodded at every single one of these. The second rejection from a horrible birthmother still stings every single second of every day. Keep babies with their families or get an abortion. Adoption SUCKS. All of it.
Every adoptee will always wonder about there biological parents. Whether the reunion was good or bad. It's something we"ll never get over.
While reading this, a scenario popped into my head-what if a sterile couple adopted a child whose birth mother was a victim of rape, who was physically and financially incapable of raising a child? And if that sterile couple adopted that kid, and raised them, and when they were old enough to know what adoption is, explained the situation to them? I agree that keeping a secret for the child's entire life is a bad, BAD idea, but what if you explain everything to the child, and if they want to know more, the parents help them figure out their unanswered questions? Or what about orphans, shouldn't they at least have the chance of getting adopted into a family who will love them and will care for them? Also, I can't help but disagree with your comment that adoption is always about the money and never about the child's well-being. I'm fairly certain that there are people out there who see children without families-for whatever reason-and just want to give them the best chance at a home, an upbringing, and people who love them, regardless of whatever money they might get from it. I'm also sure their are parents who explain adoption to their children and help them work through the revelation and do their best to answer questions. I know that the trauma has to be there, and the sense of displacement, but I also think that sometimes adoption is better, and it doesn't always have to be horrible. There can be bad cases, but that's also like a child being raised by their bio parents and still having a horrible, traumatic childhood, for whatever reason.
I will say that I wasn't adopted, so I can't really base my thoughts around that. I do know people who are adopted, and know it, and they are awesome people. How do I know they have no trauma? I don't. I do know that people who have adopted siblings of a different genetic hierarchy-say, an Asian kid in a Caucasian family-get those looks of confusion, as people realize 'oh, right, adopted'. Personally, I have never seen it strange if two people who look nothing alike say they're brother and sister. I accept that. But I know it happens, so I know there is trauma.
But I still don't think adoption is all horrible, all the time.
Your scenario actually explains my real life story. My adoptive parents were sterile and as far as I know, my biological mother gave birth to me at a young age after being raped. I was adopted as an infant but hey, I still have the shirt I was wearing when I was brought home. My adoptive parents are very religious and throughout my childhood, they always told me that i am "God's Gift" because I am adopted. Because of that, I had no trouble accepting the fact that I am not biologically related to them, but am still part of the family. Not once did they make me feel that I am an outcast- as a matter of fact, all their attention and dreams were focused on me that they became quite overprotective! Being adopted isn't horrible, but I agree that there are rainy days throughout the journey. I have felt exclusion from other extended family relatives, many "what-ifs" have repeatedly played in my head, and I also seemed to have developed a barrier (maybe some type of mental disorder due to infant trauma) that prohibits me from creating a strong relationship with my parents as I got older. It is hard for me to express my feelings to anyone and I am known for being emotionless haha. I also act out a lot to my adoptive parents. My personality is very different from my adoptive mom, and we have brutal arguments that lasts for a while. But regardless, I am filled with gratitude that strangers have taken me into their home and have used all resources and efforts to give me a great life and show me love.
It is so unfortunate for those who were treated terribly by their adoptive families. But adoption isn't always a bad situation! It is hard at some parts, but whether you're adopted or not, everyone has a challenge to carry in their life, I think? You can experience abuse regardless of being adopted, you can experience negligence despite it as well. I know a lot of adopted children who have grown to be not perfect, BUT beautiful, talented and brilliant people.
I hate being adopted because I feel like it's made me a terrible person. I have absolutely no bond, connection, emotional attachment to my adoptive mother, which makes me feel like a HORRIBLE person because all she ever wanted in life was a little girl, and her dream came true, but the little girl doesn't have any emotional attachment to her what so ever (this little girl is also going on 27 now).
I lost my adoptive father when I was 20, he was 52 when my parents adopted me. So not only on top of losing a parent at birth, I lost one 20 years later due to sever health issues and old age (I also watched him struggle health wise from 10-20). That sucked. My mom and I get along, but, and it's hard for me to even type this, but I don't like her. If she were someone I met at work I wouldn't be friends with her. We are so incredibly different. I am so incredibly different from my adoptive family that I really don't talk to anyone from it any more except my mom. When I was in college, I would actually forget to call her 🙁 and then she would call and I could tell she felt like she was an inconvenience for me, which made me feel horrible, it's just that I never have anything to talk to her about. I don't tell her anything personal because it feels weird. I just didn't have that urge, or that bond to be close to her (or anyone).
I've known my entire life that I was adopted, and it became a label for me. My family threw it around as a way to describe who I was. That's all I know now. I don't know where my personality traits came from, I have no idea how many siblings I could have out there in the world, I have no idea if I have a genetic disease that could kill me by the age of 30 and it's kind of scary to be completely honest.
I did find my birth mother when I was about 22. At times, I feel like that was also a mistake. I was hoping for the best and that it would answer so many questions, but in the end it made me feel worse, and I was really disappointed. I almost wish I had just left that door shut. I found out a few things, and now I know where I get my love of Mayo from, and whose nose I have, but for the most part, I'm really different from them too, and I will never be able to find my birth father because she doesn't know his name anymore. So one half of me will always be empty. I found out that I have a younger brother, we talk every now and then and I do love him, but a part of me wonders why she gave me away, and then kept him (we are only 16 months apart)
On top of trust, abandonment, depression, and guilt, I feel like I would be a horrible parent because I have no intimate connection with any human being on this planet. I push people away when they get too close, I don't allow myself to get in relationships. I have basically made the decision to never get married or have children because I don't know how to care about anyone like that because I've never felt it from anyone else. I was just a trophy child.
I think the intention is good at heart. You're giving this amazing gift to some people who do cherish it (as my adoptive mom has), but it makes me wonder how she feels that my feelings were not returned in the same fashion, which leads me back to feeling like the worst daughter on the face of the planet. Like I started saying, the intention is well thought out and truly a wonderful thing in theory. But I'm just starting to realize that what I'm feeling is normal…especially after reading this blog and a few other articles. There are so many things that I think haven't been researched or looked into at all, and when it comes to adoption, I think there really needs to be a few more things looked into closely. Something needs to be done because clearly I'm not the only person who feels the way I do right now…but it is kind of nice to know that for once, I'm not alone. feel free to reply…I'd like to know what someone thinks about my feelings…
U won't be a terrible parent because u know what children need,love,commitment, ur just always there. I felt the same way-still feel abandonment-plus beatings and rape, but my son just became a pharmacist and I am a RN-but I always feel I'm not worthy-but it's in my head but it's still there
They kept my half brother 25mths apart-my father a cop sexually abused him, my biological mom stayed with him. She ended up in a mental institution and died after terrorizing me 4 years and died, My father never said he was. I was constantly called a Bastard, but I'm alive.Had a lot of things go wrong-2 of 3 husbands are dead and I am 50, bad at times but alive
yes i to feel better looking at this site ,i have moved all over time and time again looking and searching for something not know what im looking for. because i dont like closeness i want to be on my own, but i still need someone,, something ,, somewhere i need to be.where is life when will it start everyone seems to be living but i carnt jump in,,
I completely agree with having no intimate connections. It is really hard for my adoptive parents to understand that as I try to explain it to them when we have arguments. I have the need to completely shut people out with they come too close. I have friends, and a boyfriend from back in high school, but I feel that as I got older, something changed in me that made me decide to completely shut people out. And I don't want to get married or have a family, because I have nothing really to offer emotionally. If my parents can't feel my love for them, I bet my future family won't be as functional as others.
I've read several of these posts and they truly shock me. I do not understand how so many people can be against adoption. I support it 100%. I am adopted myself and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. My adoptive parents are my best friends and most days I truly forget I'm adopted. They provided me with a better life and opportunities that I never would have had if I would be with either of my biological parents. I do know my siblings and I've actually grown up around them and I'm glad for that. I do know my biological parents and am truly happy they did not raise me. I do understand the emotions you all feel but I think you believe that life would have been much better with your biological parents and in some cases that may be true and some I think you have the grass is greener mentality. Adoption is a great thing and I hope to adopt some day. I guess I don't understand why it's seen as negative. I'm so grateful for my parents and I couldn't imagine my life without them. I have no connection to my biological parents. DNA doesn't provide an instant connection it's about memories and history. As for not looking like your adoptive family…why is that an issues. I don't look like my biological brothers at all. My older brother is 6 foot 2 inches and I'm 5 feed 2 inches. My you get brothers have blonde hair and blue eyes and I have dark brown hair and hazel eyes. So I don't look like my biological family either. I hope you all can come to peace about your adoption. Because not all adoptions are negative and I don't think negativity should be associated with adoption when every situation is different. I'm thankful for the chances I've been given. 😉
I was adopted at birth.My biological Mom was put in a home for unwed mothers in 1963. The people who adopted her adopted me. Some days were good some were very bad, abuse & rape, I found out I was adopted at 25,pregnant with me second child, husband on crack in hospital with pneumonia, adopted mom died day before.I cry all the time but I'm alive and my oldest child just became a pharmacist and I'm an RN,they're all dead
Hi. I am writing as a person who is adopted and I really don't have all these negative ideas about adoption. If I were not adopted, I would not have had the life I have been given. I would not have known the wonderful people that are my parents and the family I call my own. I would not have the education that I have. I am proud of the life I have and I am eternally greatful for being adopted and for being given the second chance in life. I know not everyone has had the experiences I have, but I had to say my experience and that not everyone has a bad one. I cry too sometimes, but it is because when I think of how close I came to not having my adoptive parents (and in my eyes, my real parents) I get really sad. I can't imagine not having them in my life. I love them so much and I owe them all that I am. I am sorry some of you didn't have the same. I have always appreciated how luck I am, but until now I didn't know how very lucky.
I'm curious how you know what your life would have been like with out your adoptive parents.
What troubles me about adoption, westernized adoption is how it has become about the adoptive parents joy. I am the oldest of six, I helped raise my younger, watched them grow in my mother's belly and looked forward to that experience for myself. My first child was taken, has had a wonderful life, save for a brother also adopted she says she did not bond with. He committed suicide, was a constant thorn, she was the blessing eternal. She was supposed to have been promised to a couple long before her birth. Her mom changed her mind at birth, for either a week or three months. (depends whose story you listen to) The mother say's she stopped by my place at 8 and a half months pregnant, saw me. Sadly we knew not of each other,save each others first names. I only know I really liked her and would have really enjoyed watching my child grow in her belly and throughout her life. I raised a second nine months younger daughter, have three grandchildren, not perfect, but wow oh so special. My lost daughter found me when she was 27 years old. She has since apologized for not finding me sooner, I am dumbfounded, she found me and since finding out about her being adopted at four years old, part of me has been a wreck, absolute grief, for both her and her mother. This is a condensed short version, when a mother tells you she is pregnant grab her hand and don't let her go.
Closed adoption sucks. open has its own issues. I am deeply angry with adopters who see our kids as their joy, at our expense. Letters do not cut it. Being Christian is a farce in adoption, my child could have had a similar life, be it without as much money, or being raised in a posh environment she had. But my kept girl, had swimming lessons not by a coach but by me. I taught her to ski, she has enjoyed the beaches in Hawaii, not at the resorts or in the posh malls. How dare these people think their entitlement because they were promised, what pain they have brought to all of us. My lost girl, well she is still lost, even now found. I text with her every day, I love her immensely and when possible her son is the same age as my kept daughter's eldest of three. She loves her adoptive parents, deeply protective of them. Whatever, letting it go…..I am thankful she found me. I am glad to have her love. But she was removed from my life, from her mother's life, all her natural family, cousins, Uncles, Aunts, Grandfathers and Grandfathers, siblings etc. closed off to us all and that was cruel.
Another baby fodder for the adoption machine.
I am 32 years old adoptee and I just made contact with my biological family. When I found them, they told me that my birth mom and dad were both dead and have been for years. My birth mom began looking for me when I was 18. I decided not to look at that age because I was not ready. I wasn't ready emotionally or mentally for all the potential outcomes and I knew it. Now, I wish I looked. I wish more than anything that I could turn back time and looked. I was always so different than my family in so many ways; physically, personality, interests. Now, I'm finding out that I'm like my bio-mom's mini me in so many ways. It's painful to know that there was someone out there that I could have related to in so many ways, but I will never meet them. Also, as a new mother, I feel pain for my birth mom for having to make the decision to give me up for adoption and never meeting me or knowing what has come of me. I've been praying for her a lot recently and I hope she's in heaven looking down on her loved ones and also seeing me and knowing that I turned out well. It's been a difficult and confusing grieving time for me.
It's very heartbreaking to read all this. Everything written here simply adds to my confusion. I have a question which I need help with. A 3 year old boy in a shelter home was brought to our attention. His birth parents have been removed from him as they were physically abusing him. He has burnt marks on his body and the parents are in prison. This boy is now placed for adoption. Our hearts go out to him. We want to give him the love and affection that he has never had and our hearts are open to him. Is adoption the right thing to do? Should we adopt this boy and give him a life and family that he deserves? Would we be doing the right thing on this matter? Would love to hear opinions from other adoptees or anyone with experience. We want to love this child and not hurt him further in any way.
I would think about this: what will happen to him if you don't adopt him? What are his needs and can you meet them? I just spent the last four hours reading every story on this post, and while there is a lot of pain and negativity here that breaks my heart, I don't think adoption in general should be judged by it. After all, it's titled, "10 Things I Hate About Adoption" – it's bound to attract commenters with a negative outlook. It's not a perfect system, but overall, it's a force for good. It is what you make of it. I was adopted at birth through an agency that didn't run background checks and was placed with a woman who was physically abusive. Thank goodness she needed a babysitter, because the babysitter saw the signs of abuse and notified the authorities and I was taken from her. I was in foster care for just under a year and adopted out through the state in a closed adoption to a very wonderful and loving couple who raised me as if I was their own. Has being adopted affected me negatively? Probably. I never felt such a deep bond with my adopted parents as I do with my own daughter and sons. But I still love them deeply, and know that they love me deeply as well. Mostly because they constantly tell me so. 🙂 I don't have a lot intrinsically in common with them, but we do share a lot of the same loves because of how they raised me, such as a love of camping and the outdoors and reading, even if our tastes in books differs. I've struggled with attachment and bonding issues, especially in other relationships, and Depression at times. Am I better off for having been adopted? I haven't contacted my birth parents, so I don't really know. But did I have a happy childhood? Yes. Did they give me everything they could and the best life possible under the circumstances? Yes. The question for you is not whether or not this child will have issues with adoption, because he will. We all do. The question is whether or not you're prepared to love him unconditionally as if he were your own in all the wonderfully imperfect ways that only parents can. Whether you can be open and honest with him and answer all his questions and help him find the answers to the ones you can't. Whether you can provide the best home possible for him under the circumstances. After all, there's no question of this boy being raised by his biological parents, who are nothing more than DNA donors at this point. If extended family is out of the question, then adoption really is the best choice for him, in my opinion. If you consider the details of his situation, his options, and what you can provide for him, I think in your heart you'll know the right answer.
I could not have said it any better than what you just shared, Anonymous.
I believe every child deserves a home. No child should have to live in a place where they are abused. The system is indeed flawed, and that is why you are reading all the negative feed back from adoptees. Nonetheless, I still believe in adoption if it is the last resort, the child keeps their original birth certificate, and a connection to siblings or extended family (if it is safe). I think it is a wonderful idea that you are interested in adopting him and you are doing your research by hearing the voices of adoptees which is very important. Knowing his history of abuse, he needs a home and parents that are compassionate and will be able to put him first and deal with any and all the issues he will deal with in the future. As much as any parent would want to take the pain away from him the minute he is adopted, it may not always be possible right away. It may take year to build trust in you as his parent after he has been abused. It is just something to think about. But you are on the right track by researching the view of adoptees. I am sending you peace and prayers through this process. I pray he heals from his wounds and understands that he is loved.
I spent 85% of my childhood bounced around like a hot potato. First from one relative to another till I wasn't cute enough to adopt anymore, then foster homes and an orphanage. I spent a couple of years reunited with my bio Mom, but she was horrifically abusive in more ways than I care to mention. She was such a train wreck, and treated me so hatefully, that to this day I still flinch at sudden movements. That woman did not have one kind word or gesture for me in over 3 years I spent with her. She was so cruel and abusive that I still can't believe she was my bio Mom. I suspected for a long time that she was not my mother, but some woman in need of a household slave. I don't know who in my childhood was my bio family, and who was paid to foster me. I'm 60 years old, and still don't know who I am. And the lies, told to be kind, but confusing to the point of psychological trauma. I searched for bio Dad my whole life, but the more I look and find the more depressing that gets. The rumor was that I was a rape baby, what if that is true. Do I want to find someone who possibly is my mothers rapist? Will his family, my half siblings be of that same mentality, will I uncover other half siblings who might also be his rape babies. No, I do not. Sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs sleep. I wish I would have had that choice with bio Mom. People say at least you have one side of your family history. No I do not, she witheld it from me out of spite. When she finally relented she gave me the family tree of Adolf Hitler, and after that a completely fake made up tree. On this side of things I must say, how sweet life would have been had I the chance to be adopted by a good hearted family at birth, or at least by age 6 or 7. I would hope I didn't care if the family treated me like their own, just to have treated me well. But I can't dictate how other people feel. In general the adoptees I have met had good lives, all their physical needs were met, and most of them have a decent education. I grew up hungry, unwanted, and was removed from school at age 12, before being kicked into the streets at age 14. I really wish some people could see how lucky they are. The more I see the adopted vs. Foster care children, the more I think adoptive parents are Angels, living on earth. Blood don't make family. Even with my awful bounce around childhood, I still fared better away from my bio parents, than my half siblings who had to grow up with them. Half are messed up in the head, several are dead, the rest in and out of jail, forced rehab, and or prison. I don't like adoption, if only every parent were sane and loving, but when you come along as a fluke, into a nightmare of a home life, with no prospect of it ever getting better …..
Hello, thank you for sharing your comment. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that on your journey. Nothing upsets me more to see families and the system fail our children.
It isn't about adoptees seeing how lucky they are. Who are we to judge what they or anyone has been through. The purpose of adoption is to obviously provide a child(ren) a safe place to call home and loving parents, but the truth is, adoptive parents are human and have their own issues as well. These issues can cause adoptees to be abused, neglected, raped, etc. When a birth mother places her child for adoption, she is doing so out of faith. There is no telling what will happen to that child once the mother signs her rights away. But to be clear, not all adoptive parents are angels. There are many that are though including my adoptive mom. Not every adoptee can say the same about their adoptive mom/parents.
But blood definitely doesn't make someone family, but DNA does matter. It is a part of our identity. We should have the right to know.
I am two years into reunion, and I thank God everyday for my adoptive mom. There was a reason I was adopted, and I can now see it with my own eyes. Adoption did give a chance at life.
I pray that you have some healing and peace in your life. You didnt deserve to go through what you been through. Sending you lots of love.
Thank you again for sharing.
I am adopted, and my ''mom'' always goes to my past whenever I do something wrong. "If I never adopted you, you would still be in that orphanage, most likely being a prostitute selling your body on the street". I am really self conscious about being adopted, and really it's not good to use something like that against another to make them feel bad. She told me today that she thinks about if she never adopted me and how great her life would be.
I am soooooooo sorry your mom says those things to you 🙁 she is completely out of line with that. I can only imagine how it makes you feel inside. Don't let her get to you with those comments even though I know it is hard. I don't know if you are believer in Jesus Christ, but I KNOW God has a purpose for your life and He created you our of greatness. No matter what ur mom or anyone says about you, always remember that you are loved and worthy of it. I will pray for her heart that she may understand the pain that she is causing you and for her to obviously work on her own pain that is causing her to say such hateful things. Sending you lots of love, peace, and healing (((hugs)))
I don't know how old you are but you need to get away from that woman. She adopted you so that she can abuse you, it happens more often than you might think. Get out of there, now.
i had to hear my adoptive mother talk the same way- she said i destroyed her life being adopted by her and she wouuld have more money to herself without me being around
I'm 34 now. I don't know anything about my biolo0gical parents or relatives. I remember that when I was a teenager I much often fantasized about my own children in the future and my building connection wth them, rather than about my biological parents.
At age of 20 I got married and soon after we had a daughter and six years later a son. Soon it came clear to me that my wife had some kind of sociopathic disorder and she'd put huge focus and amount of her energy and time to make sure I feel like worthless, disfunctional junk including sabotaging and hampering my relations with children by using lies and sick manipulation to make me look this way in their mind. For some reason I could not accept any thoughts of divorcing her, being too afraid to jeopardise or give up opportunity of building this close connection with children who are the only biologically related "souls" who I know and have. I felt that by loosing it I would be like loosing my whole life and was ready to take worst fate, pain etc. only let it go. After few years of those struggles and developing depression I brokedown and stared having extensive panick attacks and got on meds. I believe that the meds allowed me to function somehow for another few years and take all her terror and discrace including cheating on me etc.. Basically, last year one day I returned from home to find out that my wife "silently" moved out taking children and pretty much everything. Than allthough I never (literally not even once) yelled or shouted at children and often had hard time seeing and intervening to my wife mistreating them, in the end court believed my wife's and her mothers lies lies about me terrorising children etc. (they were too young to be listened to at court), concidering me less creditable because of my depression, anxiety dissorder and being on antidepresants. At this point I brokedown again for good and also lost my job and career and are unemployed with no good perspectives (ps. my last job was at DELOITTE and I wasn't doing bad before my breakdown – now court obliged me to pay my wife alimony in amount of 60% of my earnings at DELOITTE – stating that I have such capabilities as I did before. Now I get too see my children every 2 weeks for a few hours and I'm trying to accept that I will never be able now to build that normal relations and connection with them. At the same time I'm being dragged to court regularly as my ex-wife does whatever she can to even further limit my contacts with them or to take what ever she possibly can. Because of my breakdown and not being able to make as much money as before, my alimony debt is already abt. $20.000 and rapidly growing and in couple of days the last thing that I got left – my old volvo wagon – is being taken by bailiff. Basically I feel as I was slowly drowning in an abbys and being ripped off every single part of my life.
With mostly horrific stories of adoption, I will never be on the fence regarding abortion again. I would never encourage any woman who is not in a position to raise a child to give it up for adoption. I would never want to adopt a child after reading what my child may think of me. I am sorry for all of your problems. I wasn't adopted, yet share many of the problems you all seem to have. Stop blaming it on simply being adopted, few have a "perfect" family.
I'll just say, as an adoptee, I disagree with so many of these points, to generalize about adoption the way so many people do, and yes, in mostly a negative way, is so simplistic and narrow, and mostly, sad. To imply that all children would be better off with their birth mothers is just not true, and to also imply that all adoptive parents are "child trafficers" or bad people is really ridiculous and completely unfair, obviously there are good and bad stories in both cases, and of course, I will be vilified for these opinions, because unless you wear a proverbial t shirt that says ADOPTION SUCKS, you are the devil, as anyone knows who has been around the adoption community. Real talk. Open your mind. It's not all about you.
I'm a birthmom. I have three kept children from my marriage, my ex left me in a homeless shelter. I was just getting on my feet when I found out I was pregnant by my boyfriend, and far along, with twins. We thought adoption was the most loving choice, as we were broke and both of us struggling to support the children we already had. We wanted an open adoption, and chose a couple who promised so much to keep us in their lives. We were so gullible. Watching them leave the hospital wad the worst day of our lives.I named them. I gave breast milk. I visited. And after wo months I couldn't take it anymore. I asked for them back. I fought three years in court. The children knew me. Knew their siblings. Finally we had to give up. Because: we were told if we went through trial, we would lose, and better to have a few visits a year, than nothing. Can you imagine, giving up, twice, just so you can habe a few glimpses of the children who knew you, saw you once a week, called you mommy, hoped to see your home one day,loved their siblings? I dream of them ever night, shed tears every day and live in constant fear of the adoptive parents cutting us out completely. The guilt and loss is overwhelming. All we needed was a little help, and confidence, and compassion. I am so sorry to my lost children, and kept ones, that I wasn't strong or smart or wealthy enough to fix my mistakes. God knows I tried. But will they?
After reading through all the comments, I'm actually very curious. Are there any good experiences with adoption? I know of a family that adopted two boys because they couldn't reproduce, and then popped out a girl many years later by surprise. One of the boys chose to meet their birth parents, the other didn't (he had wrote his mother for many years with no reply). They have a really wonderful family and I'm close friends with the eldest who met his mother, and he really loves his family and adoptive parents.
My husband and I have always talked about opting for adoption over birthing children– call us idealists, but our reasons are one that we feel is that there are so many children around the world where the birthing parents chose not to care for the child or unable to for whatever reasons, why would we populate the world further if unnecessary? Are we completely wrong to think this way? I know there are many complications in adoption– and it's scary to think about. I can imagine the fear on both ends when a biological mother changes her mind— honestly I think everyone ends up hurt in those situations that have to go to court, especially the child (not choosing what side is right, just acknowledging the pain felt)…. is that why some people opt for international adoptions? Is that just as wrong or worse then? I'm trying not to digress- but it's hard not to ponder….. but I'm really just curious if there are any positive outcomes of adoptions given the circumstances.
Read "Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. She describes the adoptee experience really well.
international adoptions are more painful to the child
For years I've felt like the only one who felt so lost from adoption. I was adopted as a baby and one of the greatest challenges for me growing up was being so sheltered and controlled as a child, not being raised as a child but an "it" and knowing that as soon as I was adopted out my parents decided to get back together and have 5 children. I was adopted into a family of lies and abused as a child. I left my adoptive home when I was 21 to marry a man I'd only known for 3 months in a hope of freedom and identity. When I was pregnant with my first my husband told me to call my birth mom. At the time is sounded like an amazing idea! But then all that fear, hatred, sadness and loss came rushing back. Seeing my birth family and seeing how easily replaced I am by oldest brothers girlfriends is like a knife in my heart. I'm forced to make the effort to be a part of the family when I don't feel like I've ever even belonged. I've been in and out of my biological parents life for about 6 years now and its been a constant struggle, do I get close or do I keep my distance. Do they hate me or do they love me? Was I really ever meant to be? Is my biological mom lying or is my adoptive mom lying? I have questions about myself and how I am as a mother, I have doubts about myself every day. I have battled depression and eating disorders since I was 10 years old. My biological dad passed about at 47 on January 5/2015 and when I went to the funeral I was completely abandoned. Not a single mention. Who is this strange face in the crowd. All the happy stories about their "first" baby boy together. Now I feel more lost than ever. I honestly don't know how to be a wife or a mother, I just want to run away from it all. I spent my whole life making sure that I would not make the same "mistake" my mother did at 17 and yet my oldest brother at 17 had a baby with his girlfriend and gave it up for adoption and then again had another baby with another girlfriend but this child, they decided to keep. What makes one child more important than another? Nothing. I will never stand behind adoption.
I can relate to most of these. I was given away by my birth parents at 9 months. My adoptive parents were too busy with their careers to take care of me so their children fresh out of college used to watch me. Then they got married and left. At 12, my parents left me at my brothers house. Where he raised while secretly resenting me (I think). I was neglected by him and emotionally abused by his wife and her whole family. Leading me to feel like nothing but a burden to the world with no self worth.
I hate adoption because I am nothing like my family…cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents included. I always feel put down whenever I ask questions about who I look like where I get what from..the normal things I DESERVE TO KNOW. My adopted mother hates answering these questions umm well I have a right to know it makes me sick I hate its so much and my adopted father is absolutely clueless about EVERY DAMN thing. I do feel robbed at times and I always wondering what if…what if.. maybe I should have just been adopted by a different family but you never know…I just wish I had answers and no one every gives them to me….
What I hate about adoption is that you know that you where a mistake no one wanted
Im 13 and im adopted my lifes been through hell and back, i was born premature my birth mom had weed and crack and liquar in her system, i got taken away from her, i only know her name and that she had sex for money. tbh, i feel like a worthless peice of shit, my adopted parents always gang up on me for something so little…. They use harbor house agianst me if i dont change but its them who need to change…. they always jump to conclusion that i did something wrong and its really annoying i have more to rant about but my eyes are burning from crying so much…….ANONYMOUS
i hate it because it is a wound that is always open…. sometimes more or less but it is always open…. and the primary wound exists forever
You've got a lot of nerve writing something like this! Just be glad somebody wanted you because it could very well have turned out that you were raised in a group home with other unwanted losers. Grow up and quit feeling sorry for yourself. Nobody lives a perfect life.
My husband and I are unable to conceive and we were looking into adoption. However after reading your posts I will NEVER. The way you treat adoptive parents as the villains here us baffling to me. I grew up with ALL my biological family and have still personally experienced the same so called problems that being adopted has "caused" you all. So I do not see how it is solely the fault of your adopted parents if you are unsuccessful as an adult. I don't understand how a bunch of adults can sit around and feel sorry for themselves like this! I was molested as a child, I have anxiety, I have a hard time trusting people. Do I blame everything wrong with my life on my parents? No I do not. Because that is not what mature people do. I haven't heard one person offer a better solution than adoption. I saw one person say they were called ungrateful..that is because you seem ungrateful. None of you can say that your lives would have been better if your birth parent raised you. None of you can know that. It could've been horrible. And blood is not everything. And about open adoption..you tell me why anyone would want to raise a child for someone else,knowing they will never get the love back from the child that they are giving. Why would a person sign up to be heartbroken again and again? Some of you have children how would you like to hand over your baby to it's mother who never wanted it and let it call her mom and get kisses and hugs. When it is your blood sweat and tears that have kissed away boo boos and sat up all night worrying and been so excited you can't sleep over the baby's first holiday. You seem to have no idea what your asking of people. I may sound mean and cruel to you because no offense but you all come off as having a chip on your shoulder. But there are great parents out there that are barren. And they would've loved you very much and you are discouraging these parents from giving a child a home without abusive parents or mean siblings or molesty circumstances or poverty. You are taking a child's home away. Bc I want the full joy of having a child. And if what all of you think is a common opinion of adopted children then no thankyou. I want my child's love not resentment. Maybe my husband of 10 years and I will become those weird old people that have 15 cats instead. Bc I am now thoroughly terrified. And he will be too when he reads all of this. I am sorry if I offend or hurt anyone that is not my intention. I am just so shocked that I had to react. -JE
I love you. This is what I've been feeling as I searched on the internet for information and support. I'm a happy adoptee who never felt "different" or gypped, and I assumed that now that I've come to an adoption point, that is was natural and something people did for one another, but everything is so ugly…. and positivity is so rare.
I have tried to give everything to my child – a child that was in a third world orphanage and would be dead or seriously abused by now. I expected no appreciation – she did not ask that she be adopted. But I did not expect to get the abuse I get on a daily basis. I know that there are happy adoption stories out there but it almost seems like so many kids would be happier in an institution than being in a family that loves and wants them.
All I wanted as an adoptive parent was to love my child fiercely, give her a better life than she would have had in a third-world orphanage, play and have some fun and cheer her on as she became her own unique adult. I did not expect appreciation – after all, she did not ask for me to adopt her. And I had a background as a therapist so I knew there would be challenges. But the level of hostility and brutality were truly unforeseeable – verbal abuse, constant and dangerous lying, stealing from me and my friends and family, destruction of property, unfair accusations, running away from home, and naked cruelty to the person trying to love her. After it all, I have given up needed work in my career, lost my fiance as well as most of my friends, used up a large portion of resources trying to find help for this child. And still the abuse continues with experts saying there is very little that can be done.
I have heard that there are some wonderful adoption stories out there but I do not see how taken this child out of a dirty institution has helped her at all even with all my love, good intentions, and therapeutic skills. And it has left me with PTSD and a heart problem. It just feels like a no-win situation – there is never enough love, never enough food, never enough attention so instead of being loved or even tolerated, I am simply hated.
To Anon 10/1: The antagonism you have regarding the life and history of the person you adopted may be your problem. Your expectations (you say you don't have, but clearly do) may be what your problem is.
Did you adopt so that you could feel appreciated, thanked, and experience someone else's gratitude? It does sound like it. After all, you've "given so much of yourself" to someone who didn't ask for ANY of it, shouldn't YOU be revered for all you've "sacrificed" for someone who perhaps preferred you had done nothing"? Did you adopt so that YOU could have a better life? That sounds right too.
Did you listen to the issues/problems of this child/adult you adopted? Were you receptive to her emotional needs? Do you understand how MUCH it can clearly impact her to have been removed from country, culture, family, environment, etc so that YOU can feel like a "savior" who rescued from her origins and her own "horrible" surroundings? Do you realize how utterly insulting that is to offend everything about her existence? And to be told essentially that all these insults about you, your country, your family, your heritage, your orphanage, your language is "because I love you so much", so now you owe me. No wonder she's "not grateful" to you.
I think you need to see a therapist or get help on what love is, how to love, and healthy expectations. And for Pete's sake, PLEASE spare another child and do NOT adopt again.
To Anon 7/10: Good. Don't adopt. You might be doing yourselves AND a child AND a child's family a favor by not adopting. Especially going into it, expecting to live a great life for yourselves. Thank you for NOT putting the burden on a child (who has already lost an entire family, history, legal human rights) to make YOUR lives better. A child may love you more and resent you less for HELPING return him/her to his/her family by supporting his/her family.
Supporting and preserving families is a more loving act than separating children from their families, changing their identities, and wanting gratitude for severing their ties.
I am adopted. I think you all need to get over yourselves. Stop using something beyond your control as an excuse to not enjoy the present. What wasted lives.
I am an adoptee and it sucks. If you are not adopted then keep your comments to yourself. Every day there is pain. Abortion would have been better for me. Lori
I hate adoption because it reminds me that I could have had a chance at a loving family but I wasn't worth it. Sexually abused and emotionally neglected but not enough for anyone to take away my bio parents rights. What about my rights?
I hate adoption because I cant have birthparents and I didn't chose that ever6ybody else is making my chocies for me but still people want me to support myself with no help from nbody and because of that I struggle in life and that makes everybody mad that I sturuggle in life people want me to support myself but then get mad because I struggle and they are making my chocies for me if you want me to support myself then you need to let me have chocies in life because not having choies is hard
What do I hate about adoption? Knowing that my children are being raised by someone else. Wondering every day, EVERY DAY, if my children are safe and going well. The constant sense of being a failure. The self hate that you had to have someone else raise your children cause you suck at life. Feeling like garbage that you may have done more harm than good that you intended. The story that your children will hate you for not wanting them when you really did. The fear you may never see your child again.
Do you consider that you're birth parents just wanted you to have something better than they could have given you? In some cases, the child is taken against the wish of parents if courts decide they are unfit and will continue to be. And adoptive parents take you in, love you, try their best to raise you. Are they all perfect? No, but neither are birth parents. And yeah, they don't tell you you are adopted. Did you stop to think they do so because that knowledge can effect the guardian-child bond, and they just want you to not think you are something different than other children.
I as a birth parent made the decision I did because I believed, right out wrong, it was the best way to give my kids some sort of chance at life. Maybe I made the wrong choice. I might find out in 8 & 9 years. I hope the can forgive me if I am responsible for anything bad that happened to them.
I hate adoption because I had to meet my biological family and was made to feel guilty because I didn't want a relationship. Then when I did start one I was told I'm selfish when they were the ones asking for favors and money and unconditional love when they gave me nothing not even compassion back. And I'm supposed to feel grateful or amazed they found me. The family that adopted me is great. They are caring kind and unconditional in their love and now that I have the chance I choose them like they chose me.
I hate being adopted. My biological mother abandoned me. My adoptive "family" never cared about me. The pain never ends. I hope they all rot in hell. They ruined my life. I hate them all. Lori
I was adopted. I don't hate it because that was what God had planned for me. My biological Mother was banished from her home and gave birth to me when she was 15 years old. With the counsel of her Grandmother she put me up for adoption. I was in Foster care for a couple of months before I was placed with my adoptive parents. They showed tremendous love for me and we did have our rough patches like any other family. However I feel the extended family was not so accepting. My parents adopted my sister from birth 14 months later. I remember when I was 4 one of my cousins telling me that my sister and I were not really part of the family since we were adopted. That's the first time I had ever heard the word. My Mother was very upset and I remember her telling us that we were loved. Another time I was camping with this same cousin and her parents and Grandparents. I had stated that I wished that my parents could be there camping with us. My Aunt laid in to me telling me that I was lucky to have my parents and that they had to work hard to support my sister and me. It really makes you think about what their conversations were about my sister and I being adopted when we weren't around. These are just a couple of instances that stand out there are many more. I had a daughter at 20 years old so I was able to experience the feeling of unconditional love for someone. Her Mother and I split up when she was 2 years old. So I was the every other weekend Dad and Wednesday night. I started dating and married a girl that has MRKH and is unable to carry a baby. We tried surrogacy but were unsuccessful. A few months later we started talking about adoption and 4 weeks later a neighbor called and stated she had a friend that was giving birth and wanted to know if we wanted to adopt her baby boy. We adopted our son through a private adoption. I love my son just as much as my daughter so it helped me realize that yes, you can love an adopted child just as much as a biological child. When my son was 8 years old we attempted to adopt a child from the Ukraine. Unfortunately that did not work out the Parliament closed the doors on adopting as we were preparing to go over to meet the child that we had chosen. But God works in mysterious ways. My wife ran into my son's biological Grandmother at the store one day. She found out that my son's biological mother had been arrested and lost her four children, three went with their Dad but the fourth a baby that was from a different man, was in foster care. My wife stated that if their was anything we could do to help to please let us know. Without going into detail we adopted our second son at 18 months old. He had been in foster care for a year and he was born on the day the Parliament had closed the doors for adoption in the Ukraine. Six years later I still have an unconditional love for all three of my children. I understand not everyone has the same story or the same outcome in their adoptive or biological family.
Despite the life outcome of the adopted child, full off success or failure, sadness or joy, at it's core, I was abandoned by the sole sentient lifeform that I knew existed at that time. If mother is the name of god on the lips of all children, then god has abandoned us before we even realize that there is a question to ask. Why??
If you are the typical, "get over it", or "at least you had someone" type, then fair enough! I have not walked in your shoes nor you in mine, and unfortunately, everyone is entitled to an opinion.
Some of those top 48 or so responses really hit close to home.
My life was affected by this right from the begining. Although I have a huge want to be close to my adoptive parents, I have failed in this. I have a wife I could not live without yet know that I do not have the same depth or clarity of emotion that she has for me. I have children that I love very much, and think that it may be a small inkling of what it means to bond, and start on a path that may let me experience one day, what othes feel. Unfortunately though I unconditionally accept and love my children, I do not presume that they feel the same of me. In the end I doubt, I worry, I feel no acceptance. It is there, yet I do not feel it.
My biological family got in touch with me sometime ago. They seem nice and are a very close knit family which consists of my full blooded siblings(younger) and a lot of cousins, uncles and aunts, also blood relatives on both sides. After over 10 years of being nice and polite and getting to know each other I feel nothing! Yes, there are issues I have suppressed(very angry, and deppressing ones), and I was given the nickel tour version of the excuse…..pardon me, reasons for being given up in the 70's, and I was raised right enough by my PARENTS to be accepting and forgiving, not burning bridges without warning. There is only emptiness in parts of my being that I know should be filled, and after this long, they never will be. My greatest hope was my biological siblings, they had no choice in tbeir existance or placement and at one point, a wellspring of hope and yes, possible happiness crept it's way into my soul, questioning myself countless times, "will I know what it's like to be accepted" unconditionally by other human beings. As time passed, I now know that even if there was acceptance, there will never be the feeli g of it within the hollow depths of my soul.
Pity the adopted child! For as accepted they may be, it shall never be felt by them.
This blog has so many feelings in it. Poor everyone. I confess that it has put me off the idea of adopting completely. I have a biological child – she is 8 p and we were thinking of bringing another child into our home but if a child is better off in an orphanage in their home country, then who am I to try to bring them into our family in another culture/another world? I guess if I knew that there was a child out there who would just be happy to have ANY family – that it would be a relief to have some kind of "home," rather than giving them a new burden of loneliness and sense of not really belonging anywhere – I might still consider offering our home to someone…but it looks like that is rare, and that most adoptees here feel not only lost and incomplete, but that they would have been better off if they had not been adopted at all. I suppose I should feel glad of the understanding, so that i won't make the mistake of marring some orphan's future by trying to bring them into a life they have no interest in being a part of. I feel very sad, but if this is now most adoptees feel, then it is important to respect and not to try to give them a family that will only make them feel sadder. Thanks for starting this blog.
wow. thanks for posting this…I am 44 and i cant tell you how it makes me feel a little less strange reading this. i was transracially adopted in the 70's as a bi-racial baby. my adopted family had a white biological son older than me. he was treated like a prince. my younger sister and i were treated like dogs. to this day i do not have a relationship with anyone from that family. the last time i saw my adoptive mother (about 7 years ago) her home was plastered with pictures of her bio son, wife and kids. the guy barely finished H.S. and was a loser. she would send him money to make ends meet. I graduated college, played basketball, and there is no evidence in her home of me or my younger sis. it's very painful to this day. and get this…my bio parents have been together the WHOLE time! before I was born, after I was born and to this day! we have no relationship either, but they have one!! haha!! talk about ouch. makes me tear up writing this. i am angry. i am sad. i am a good person but i carry all of this weight with me….
One to add, I hate when my adopted family is working on their family tree. It isn't mine, and it hurts deep inside knowing it's a whole life I'm not really part of. And I don't know mine.
I can't profess to have read all of the many, many comments here. I have a question: is the article about the American system? It sounds barbaric. Elsewhere (I'm in the U.K.) there is no such thing as closed adoption and *most* adopted children come from neglectful or abusive family situations. There are very few babies. The paradigm is openness, and adopters and adoptees alike are supported before, during and after the process. Selection (for prospective parents) is very tough. We're not perfect by any means, but many of the issues raised above are just not issues. No one does it for money for sure!
these people are the odd ones or maybe im the luckiest adoptee ever, and so is my (also adopted) brother. maybe it’s because we were babies when we were adopted, but it’s like my whole family is blood related. we don’t even care about our biological parents, because the ones that raised us are our true parents. it’s only when i glance over stuff like this that i remember i am adopted, lol. maybe it’s an usa problem? in my country its something quite normal
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I don’t normally comment but I gotta say appreciate it for the post on this one : D.